😵 Poor bastard of the year

A new award dedicated to the unfortunate soul eaten alive by a tarpaulin in Cincinnati, this gong honours the innocent victims of our sadistic humour.

Man Utd’s Lisandro Martinez put in a strong entry when his holiday in Ibiza was ruined by the entire Man City squad checking into his hotel for their treble-winning bender.

But that pales in comparison to the plight of Mark Gould, the pirate TV mogul who was jailed for eleven years for selling illegal Premier League streams.

Although there are some perks to Mark's new life behind bars: he’ll get three square meals a day.

Judging by photos from the police raid of his house, he’s been living off fruitellas dipped in Domino's garlic dip, and lounging around on an inflatable sofa in his pyjamas, urinating in old Pepsi Max bottles.

And who could forget Billy Tarbuck, the lippy fan who gave it the biggun to the West Ham lot, before getting knocked out and wheeled off past jeering Hammers.

Aston Villa midfielder Boubacar Kamara cancelled his own honeymoon when he was called up for the first time by France, and was given a grand total of 0 minutes.

But there could only be one winner, and this year’s award goes to Corinthians midfielder Luan, who booked out a seedy motel for a relaxing orgy, only for the club’s deranged ultras to burst in halfway through and beat the crap out of him.

😈 Sex scandal of the year

We heard one tale so wild this year that we had to save it for the intimate confines of our Upshot Gold emails.

It's the English cricket legend’s X-rated run in with two British backpackers in the darkest depths of New Zealand.

After our initial story, the big name star - true cricketing royalty - spilled his surprisingly candid account of events, including some more juicy details.

Meanwhile, several Shotters sent in stories about his historic shagging exploits.

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🥸 Lookalike of the year

Always a fan favourite, the judges were blown away by this years entries, which began with the discovery of two 6’4, ginger-bearded baseball pitchers who share not only the same optician, but the same name: Brady Feigl.

The Bradys even took a DNA test to check they weren’t separated at birth.

Next up was Newcastle midfielder Miguel Almiron, who despite appearances, is not the Paraguayan lovechild of West End supremo Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Over in Brazil, our Sao Paulo bureau earned their feijoada when they uncovered the female Ronaldinho, South African star Miche Minnies.

And we discovered that the brothers of Irish rugby legend Peter Stringer look more like Peter Stringer than he does.

But the winner, of course, was the Middle Eastern Gary Neville.

😈 Biggest wrong’un

It was a bumper year for footballer wrong’uns as Kyle Walker was caught on CCTV waving his willy around a Manchester bar and former Celtic striker Anthony Stokes had two police car chases in three weeks.

And there was a nice little cameo from previous nominee Aminata Diallo, the former PSG women’s player accused of organising an attack on her teammate Kheira Hamraoui.

Detectives revealed Diallo googled “how to break a kneecap” and “dangerous drug cocktail” in the build up to the attack.

In the “seedy bosses” sub-category, Spanish FA boss Luis Rubiales refused to quit over his creepy kiss on Jenny Heromoso, even when his own mother went on hunger strike.

And former QPR owner Tony Fernandes stripped off for a quick rubdown during a management meeting.

But in truth, the winner was decided way back in February, in an alley behind Greggs on Pontefract High Street, where Castleford's Joe Westerman performed what the tabloids described as a "lewd act".

As video footage of the incident went viral, Westerman quickly earned himself a new nickname: The Yorkshire Rimmer.

Watch it at your own risk…

⚰️ Schlong but not forgotten

Flicking through this year’s obituaries, we noticed a pattern: 2023 has claimed a golden generation of dirty dogs.

January saw the loss of the legendary Pele, whose goalscoring feats were matched only by his record as an incurable shagger.

The Brazilian (pictured aged 41 with his 17-year-old wife) sired so many lovechildren he forgot how many he had.

When legendary commentator John Motson headed to the great sheepskin coat in the sky, there were tributes for one of football's most iconic voices.

But not every eulogy left readers with the warm glow of nostalgia: take this story from Popbitch about a female colleague who went for lunch with Motty:

Motty wasn’t the only one with a fistful of blue pills - late Fulham owner Mohammad Al-Fayed used to dish them out to his players.

He also once gave one to Arsene Wenger in the centre circle before a match at Craven Cottage.

Joining Mo and Motty at the great massage parlour in the sky is last year’s ‘Wrong’un of the year’ runner up, Silvio Berlusconi.

From copying Colonel Gaddafi’s “bunga bunga parties” to escorts dressed as Barack Obama, the permatanned former AC Milan president redefined the word sleazebag.

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🎙️ Car chases, three day benders and the Yorkshire Rimmer

Cocaine-fuelled car chases. Ultras invading orgies. And Kyle Walker waving his willy around.

It’s been a wild year in the world of sport.

So if you enjoyed today’s Upshot, we dish out a few more worthless gongs in our latest podcast.

🎱 Sportsperson of the year

Finally, the biggest prize of them all.

We put a shortlist of four to our Upshot Gold members to decide who would take the crown from last year’s winner: Julius Francis, aka the Durag Death Train.

And the results are in…

4) Jolien Maliga Boumkwo (14%)

We all need that colleague who’ll pull a solid and cover your shift when you’ve had one too many.

Fortunately for injured Belgian hurdle jumper Anne Zagré, she could call on the team’s shot putter Jolien Maliga Boumkwo, who stepped in to complete her 100m race at the European Championships.

She finished a distant last, but it ensured Belgium got a consolatory two points for running the race.

3) Mabete senior (18%)

The father of Wolves defender Filozofe Mabete catapulted himself to Upshot Favourite status when he turned up to his son’s first contract signing dressed in a magician's top hat, George Michael glasses and intergalactic bomber jacket.

His other outfit is hard to describe but it includes a piece of seaweed in a test tube and a spaceship launching into a woman sitting on a throne, who is also being burned up by a comet. Plus a couple of birds on the knees.

Almost distracts you from the fact Filozofe slipped into black tie for the occasion.

2) Knollsy (33%)

From knocking out trash-talking Chelsea fans to sniffing gak off bald blokes' heads, it's been a proud year for West Ham fans.

But none reached the dizzy heights of Knollsy, the ‘ammer who stood alone against a swarm of masked ultras from AZ Alkmaar, landing dozens of punches and even whipping off his belt to give them a good thrashing.

A worthy runner-up, but there can only be one winner…

1) The streaker in the wheelchair (36%)

The Upshot has long campaigned for the return of real streaking, which was once practiced by drunk blokes with too much pubic hair, but has now been colonised by fully-clothed attention seekers.

So hats off to this fan in New Zealand, who stripped entirely naked and invaded the pitch in his wheelchair.

And this wasn’t some random Sunday league fixture - it was a third-round tie in New Zealand’s national cup, including reigning champions Auckland City.

Mark Manson is the bestselling author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. His newsletter, The Breakthrough, might change your life in just five minutes each week.

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That's it for this year. See you in 2024.