FOOTBALL

️‍🤰Threesy does it

The results are in from last week’s poll: 77% of you think it was Neymar that partied with escorts at a Sao Paulo ranch, and not - as he claimed - his lookalike Eigon.

But while we treat your opinion with the utmost regard, it probably won’t hold up as proof in a court of law.

Fortunately, we might be getting some more conclusive evidence in about 9 months time, as the partygoer that claims to have had a threesome with Ney has some very exciting news…

She posted pictures of a positive pregnancy test and a scan on Insta this week, revealing she’s expecting a baby boy.

Whether the dad is a Brazilian superstar, his donkey-brained doppelganger, or Neymar’s own father (who was also at the orgy) remains to be seen.

One things for sure: the lad’s gonna look a lot like Neymar…

⛓️ The safety word is kraftfahrzeughaftpflichtversicherung

It’s our favourite story in The Upshot’s history - the astonishing reason Chelsea sacked Thomas Tuchel back in 2022.

Talksport's Simon Jordan said the truth would “make most people’s eyes water”, and Tuchel himself went to court to prevent his ex-wife spilling the beans.

And now we’re telling the full, sordid tale for our podcast listeners, when they sign up for our brand new Patreon, Tuchel’s Dungeon.

Sign up and you'll get:

• An exclusive bonus episode of The Upshot podcast every week, where we spill stories too spicy for the main pod.

• Extended cuts of our Tuesday podcasts about sport's most scandalous characters.

• Ad free listening.

And of course, you’ll get the full Tuchel story - it’s even wilder than you think…

FOOTBALL

🔨 You’ll never walk again

As Trent Alexander-Arnold googles the Spanish for “stop saving chat,” the barrage of memes from jilted scousers has begun…

But the backlash is lemon & herb compared to the good old days, when the vague threat of a hammer to the kneecap was enough to keep Steven Gerrard on Merseyside.

It’s widely believed Stevie’s 2004 transfer to Chelsea was called off at the last minute because local gangsters put pressure on his family.

And that wasn’t Stevie’s only tangle with Liverpool’s criminal underbelly.

After dating the wrong man’s ex as a youngster, he became the target of a neighbourhood enforcer called The Psycho, whose calling card was taking a red-hot iron to his victims' groins.

When he threatened to shoot Stevie in the legs, the Gerrard family recruited a friendly hardman called John Kinsella to have a word with him.

Unfortunately, Kinsella’s idea of “having a word” with The Pyscho was shooting him in the face.

GOLF

💘 Tiger woos

Tiger Woods probably isn’t winning any father of the year awards these days, but he has done a lot of work on himself in recent times.

The scandals have largely dried up, and he’s even doing the school run on occasion - although he does have an ulterior motive for dropping little Charlie off at the gates.

Turns out Tiger’s been working his charms on a fellow parent - Vanessa Trump, ex-wife of Donald Jr. - and the pair are now an item.

As well as being the president’s former daughter-in-law, Vanessa has also dated Leonardo DiCaprio, a violent gangster and Saudi prince Khalid bin Bandar bin Sultan Al Saud.

That last relationship ended on 9/11, when the prince had to flee the US because of his father’s suspected ties to the al-Qaeda hijackers…

FOOTBALL

🚨 Needless to say, I had the last laugh

Anyone who’s read one of Steve Bruce’s detective novels will know the Blackpool gaffer has no qualms about settling old scores in the pettiest way possible.

In one book, protagonist Steve is reluctant to help MI5 foil a terrorist plot because he never got capped for England, proclaiming “My country never wanted me.”

So it was no surprise to see him clap back at Dwight Gayle this week, when the former Newcastle striker had some disparaging things to say about his managerial know-how:

Quizzed on the criticism, Brucey delivered a scathing comeback:

We’re sure the retort was off the cuff, and Steve hadn’t spent a sleepless night poring over every minute of the 19-20 season looking for ammo.

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FOOTBALL

🥋 Furious Jorge

The Santa Catarina State Championship final took place in Brazil this week, with Chapecoense losing to Avai.

After the match, Chapecoense midfielder Jorge Jimenez wasn’t particularly gracious in defeat, choosing to kung-fu kick a fan that was celebrating on the pitch.

Here it is from a different angle:

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AND FINALLY…

🚬 Miami vice

Francisco Comesana enjoys a quick ciggy at the Miami Open after winning the first set against Michael Mmoh.