FOOTBALL

🥃 Whisky in the ‘Mar

Neymar’s second stint at Santos will probably be remembered for his training ground bust up with fans, and the time he possibly attended a farmyard orgy with his old man.

In other words, he’s not exactly been a model professional.

But even so, there were a few raised eyebrows this week, when Brazilian journalist Rodolfo Gomes made some big claims about Neymar’s personal life:

Gomes also alleged that training sessions were regularly pushed back to accommodate the forward, and predicted he wouldn’t play again for the side this year.

Neymar’s team have denied the allegations, describing them as "reckless, defamatory, slanderous and false", and are now taking legal action against the journalist.

Seems like a waste of time and money. Can’t his doppelgänger just take the blame again?

FOOTBALL

🍕 Something old, something new, something borrowed, something skewered

Given Erling Haaland is a 6ft 5in robo-viking who regularly devours cow hearts in his quest for goals and physical perfection, it’s easy to forget there’s a softer side to him.

And the City striker’s juvenile alter ego was on full display this week, as he answered questions about his love life and his teammates on a Norwegian TV show.

Asked how he spends a romantic evening with his girlfriend, he replied:

And when quizzed about his friendships in the Man City squad, he answered:

He’s not wrong tbf…

FOOTBALL

✈️ On this flight I’m gonna party like it’s 1999

Rodri might have to put up with a few stink bombs in his Gucci wash bag, but that’s got nothing on the pranks footballers had to endure in the ‘90s - none more so than Arsenal’s title-winning midfielder Anders Limpar.

In 1997, the Sweden international boarded a light aircraft headed to Gothenburg, thinking he was going to the launch of a new beer.

In reality, the flight had been chartered by the producers of a Swedish prank show, who filled the plane with actors pretending to be scientists.

Half way through the journey, the pilot intentionally jerked the aircraft around, until one of the actors screamed, "I've done it. I've flown two years in time.”

Suddenly, two fighter jets appeared, flying alongside the plane and asking it to land in a nearby hangar.

Once on the ground, Anders was besieged by fake scientists, who handed him a newspaper from the year 1999, before explaining that he’d been missing for two years and his family had held a funeral for him.

In total, the prank cost £200,000 to stage, and Anders, who fell for it hook, line and sinker, only learned the truth after 48 hours of mental turmoil.

CRICKET

🏆 Imaginasian Cup

India and Pakistan’s relations are frosty at the best of times.

So when India won cricket’s biennial Asia Cup this week, the team decided not to accept the trophy from Pakistan’s interior minister Mohsin Naqvi.

Instead, they celebrated by lifting an imaginary one.

CRICKET

🤔 Fooled Monty

We often think about Monty Panesar’s iconic 2019 appearance on Mastermind.

The loveable English spinner had a torrid two minutes in the chair, guessing Germany’s national football team played their home matches in Athens, and that C.S Lewis’ first Chronicles of Narnia book was called “C.J Lewis”.

And it turns out Monty still thinks about the appearance too.

He hit the streets of London recently, challenging members of the public to answer the same set of questions as him, hoping to prove how hard they really were.

Unfortunately the plan backfired, as they fared quite a lot better than he did…

💉 Quick hits

⚖️ Ex-Chelsea winger Hakim Ziyech rocked up at court in Amsterdam this week, showing support for former Ajax teammate Quincy Promes, who’s on trial for cocaine trafficking

🛜 During his short tenure as England manager in 2016, Sam Allardyce renamed the Wi-Fi connection at St. George's Park "BIG SAM'S OFFICE".

🏆 Man United rejects Rasmus Hojlund, Anthony Elanga and Marcel Sabitzer all won Man of the Match awards in the Champions League this week.

🐑 Cornish non-league side St Neot AFC had to postpone a match this week, after 200 sheep invaded the pitch.

 🚒 The Firefighters who flooded a little league baseball pitch a few weeks ago have been charged with malicious destruction of property and disorderly conduct.

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AND FINALLY…

🏹 Take a bow

After disembarking their 4,000 mile flight to Almaty this week, Real Madrid were greeted by a band playing the Champions League music on traditional Kazakh instruments.

They were also met by this lass with a bow and arrow.

Which is risky business at an international airport…