GOLF

⛳ No Mr. Epstein, I expect you to die

“Trump doesn’t just cheat at golf,” wrote Rick Reilly in his book Commander In Cheat. “He throws it, boots it, and moves it. He lies about his lies. He fudges and foozles and fluffs.”

But there’s always been a lack of actual video evidence. Until now.

Donald was in Scotland this week, playing a round at his Turnberry course in Ayr, when an onlooker spotted a caddie dropping his ball in a prime spot.

It was all very Auric Goldfinger.

And speaking of Trump’s Bond villain credentials, the President welcomed a new malignant presence into his lair this week.

Yep, FIFA boss Gianni Infantino has opened an office in Trump Tower…

FOOTBALL

👔 And Phil Neville definitely isn’t available?

There was an air of resignation in the Indian FA office this week, as decision makers weighed up applications for the national head coaching role.

Even the most optimistic officials weren’t thrilled by the choice between Steve Kean and Harry Kewell.

But then - just as they geared up to eeny, meeny, miny, moe - an email landed in their inbox… from former Barcelona manager Xavi!

The team’s elated sporting director Subrata Paul quickly briefed the press about their exciting new applicant.

Then someone dug a little deeper, and realised the email was actually a hoax sent by a 19-year-old student from the Vellore Institute of Technology.

To be fair, someone at the FA should probably have twigged a little sooner. The email address was [email protected]…

FOOTBALL

🟨 Oh yeah, that is pretty funny. You know what else is funny?

Niece-marrying Mineiro striker Hulk was all smiles this week, as he shared a joke with Uruguayan referee Esteban Ostojich.

Then Ostojich booked him…

FOOTBALL

👽 NASA forever

After João Félix sold his soul to the Saudis this week, everyone’s asking the same question: where did it all go wrong for the man who once cost £110m?

Well, in his defence, it’s hard to concentrate on your game when there’s a Martian armada poised to invade Earth, and you’re constantly worried about little green men probing your rectum.

This year, the Portuguese forward began dating Colombian model Valentina Rueda, whose main claim to fame is capturing “the best UFO footage ever”.

Rueda was on a flight in 2023, when she saw what some would describe as a balloon, but what others have called “a saucer shaped craft”.

The model was squarely in the believer camp, concisely captioning the post: "When you fly and see alien”.

BASEBALL

🚒 Hose before throws

It was a scene as American as Momma’s apple pie: a Thursday night little league game on a warm summer’s evening in Silver Spring, Maryland.

Proud parents bought their pretzels, took their seats and got ready to belt out Star-Spangled Banner at the top of their lungs.

Then some little punk smashed a practice shot straight through the window of a local firefighter’s brand new pickup truck.

He retaliated as any level-headed, flag-waving American would: by using his fire engine to flood the baseball field.

The game had to be cancelled, and the team filed a complaint with the Maryland Park Police…

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AND FINALLY…

🖋️ Genoa good laser tattoo removal clinic?

Genoa CFC unveiled their new away shirt yesterday.

The model had an interesting leg tattoo…