FOOTBALL

🎄 Every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding

After a year of savage cost-cutting, Man United’s long-suffering staff weren’t expecting gold-plated beef wellington and Louis Vuitton crackers at their Christmas party.

But they were hoping Jim Ratcliffe’s tight-fisted regime would at least mark the occasion with a few half thawed sausage rolls and a video call from Mikael Silvestre dressed as Father Christmas.

Instead, Ratters went full Scrooge and cancelled the bash altogether, before announcing he’d scrapped their traditional £100 Christmas bonus and replaced it with a £40 M&S voucher.

Whisper it, but one beleaguered staff member was overheard this week remarking: “It was better under the Glazers”…

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👟 High on the Pog

Jim Ratcliffe’s IT manager might be carving a Colin Caterpillar for his family this Christmas, but there are no such budget constraints for the six men accused of blackmailing Paul Pogba.

The trial concluded in Paris this week, and it emerged Pogba’s childhood friends had steadily milked him for cash.

Three days after kidnapping the former Man United midfielder at gunpoint and demanding €13 million, two of the defendants used his credit card to spunk €57k at Adidas.

The pair bought a total of 633 items, and they had to hire a truck to carry all the Gazelles and shellsuits home.

Pogba’s brother Mathias wasn’t involved in the kidnap or the Adidas trip, but he did text Paul a few days later with some bank details and asked: “what are we going to do about this €13 million?”

The verdict is due next Thursday - just in time for Christmas!

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👶 Bend it like Becken

If you’re waking up with a vague memory of photocopying your arse and telling Keith from accounts he’s a dickhead at your Christmas party last night, fear not.

It could be worse. A lot worse.

After a few too many glühweins at Bayern Munich’s bash in 2000, club president Franz Beckenbauer slipped away from nibbling stollen with Karl-Heinz Rummenigge to shag the club secretary.

When news broke that she was pregnant, Franz wasn’t exactly repentant, telling the press “It’s not such a crime. Our dear God is pleased with every child.”

Not sure his wife agreed…

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🏩 Whistle blower

Like police officers and deputy headmasters, referees used to be dour, incorruptible types, more partial to a half pint of brown and mild than lab-grade amphetamines.

But we live in the age of AI porn and cheap cocaine, and if this year taught us one thing, it’s that the refereeing community aren’t safe from these modern vices.

And before we close the nominations for 2024’s Roguest Ref, Mexican official Rosario Cardenas has charged in with a late entry.

Rosario was sacked after failing to show up for a top-flight game in October, citing mysterious “medical reasons”.

But one of his colleagues has now spilled the beans, claiming Cardenas missed the game after hiring an escort to “keep him company” in his hotel the night before.

He woke the following afternoon to find she had drugged and robbed him, leaving him with nothing but his toothbrush and 27 missed calls from his boss.

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☃️ Snow laughing matter

We were all shocked by the photo of Michail Antonio’s mangled Ferrari, but fortunately he’s OK and by Monday he was cracking jokes to his teammates over FaceTime.

It’s actually not the West Ham striker’s first rodeo.

On Christmas Day 2019, Balham resident Kia Rosina was sitting down to eat with her family, when they heard a huge crash in their front garden.

They opened the door to see Antonio, dressed in a snowman costume, climbing from the wreck of his £210k Lamborghini.

He somehow emerged unscathed, and 24 hours later set up a goal in a 1-0 win for West Ham.

AND FINALLY…

🛀 Toilet humour

It was a four hour trip back from Exeter’s 2-0 defeat to Stockport, so you can’t blame this fan for breaking it up with a quick bath at Charnock Richard Services.