FOOTBALL

🥷 Lizard of Öz

There’s a podcast for everyone these days. Whether you’re lulled to sleep by the grisly details of a gruesome murder, or you soothe your aching soul with sordid tales of Hulk Hogan’s sex tape, we all have our favourite.

And now, if you aspire to a career in the lucrative field of robbing Premier League footballers, there’s a show for you.

Back in 2019, Arsenal stars Mesut Özil and Sead Kolasinac were confronted by muggers on the streets of North London, and Sead courageously fended them off while Mesut cowered in his G-Wagon.

Well, this week one of the robbers - Ashley ‘Ashman’ Smith - popped up on a podcast to give his side of the story.

“You win some, you lose some”, Ash explained with the resigned shrug of a League One manager who’s just lost 2-1 to Huddersfield.

“When I pulled up next to him [Kolasinac], the guy was a lump… We got away. I was fuming, I was upset. It happens, though. You can't cry over spilled milk.”

Just remember, every setback is a learning opportunity.

FOOTBALL

🤦‍♂️ Thick as Thievs

As the twilight of his career approached, Thievy Bifouma had achieved nearly everything he’d dreamed of.

He’d netted a famous winner for Yeni Malatyaspor, graced the Greek second division, and lined up alongside Graham Dorrans for West Bromwich Albion.

But there was just one more thing Thievy wanted to tell the grandkids: that he’d played against the great Cristiano Ronaldo.

So when an offer came in from Iranian side Esteghlal, Thievy scanned the fixture list and spied an Asian Champions League tie against Ronaldo’s Al Nassr.

Without a second thought, he boarded the next flight to Tehran, brushing up on his Farsi and penning an excited text to new teammate, and former Chelsea man, Gael Kakuta.

But just as he signed on the dotted line, a call came in from Gael: “Thievy, you know there are two Esteghals?”

It turned out Bifouma had signed for Tehran minnows Esteghlal Khuzestan, instead of their lofty crosstown rivals Esteghlal FC.

FOOTBALL

🤯 It’s been 27 0 days since Jose Mourinho last attacked his own staff

After Fenerbahce came back from 1-0 down and took the lead in the 75th minute, assistant manager Zeki Murat Gole couldn’t resist joining the celebrations.

But Jose Mourinho was having none of it, dragging his number two away by his hood and shoving him back to the dugout.

SNOOKER

🚬 Jimmy’s fags

Teetotal triple crown winner Terry Griffiths - who died this week - was a rare beast in snooker’s 1980s heyday.

While Jimmy White blew coke up Ronnie Wood’s bum and Hurricane Higgins necked bottles of aftershave, Tezza was sipping Horlicks in front of the Antiques Roadshow.

Although, according to snooker supremo Barry Hearn, Tezza did have one slip up, when he failed to show for a trick shot competition at the Hong Kong Masters.

Eventually someone went to retrieve him from the green room, and out came Terry, “staggering like a drunkard”.

Asked if he was okay, he replied: “I’ve just had one of Jimmy’s fags. Those big roll-your-own ones. They’re great, aren’t they?”

After that, he missed every single shot.

SNOOKER

🎯 Can’t beat a bit of bullshit

Shaun Murphy has always claimed to be the only man in the world to achieve a 147 in snooker, a nine dart leg and a hole in one in golf.

He told the Telegraph earlier this year:

And sure, Shaun is known to be a handy golfer. But on Wednesday, he stepped up to the oche to prove his prowess with the arrows…

With his first three darts, he scored 4 - missing the board entirely with one of them.

AND FINALLY…

🍻 Bitter end

(Full clip)