FOOTBALL

🤑 Silvio surfer

Every football club takeover comes with a celebrity shareholder these days. Snoop Dogg at Swansea, KSI at Dagenham, and, er, Alexandre Pato at Northampton Town.

Sounds like quite a coup for the Cobblers, although chairman Kelvin Thomas should be wary of Pato in the director's box - he's got a bit of a thing for sugar daddies.

When he was at AC Milan, the striker went out with Barbara Berlusconi, daughter of club president and professional creep Silvio Berlusconi.

Then, when Silvio sold him to Corinthians, he dated the daughter of Salim Mattar, an ultra-right-wing Brazilian car rental billionaire.

And finally, in 2019, Alexandre settled down with TV host Rebeca Abravanel, the daughter of the late billionaire media mogul Silvio Santos, who had more than a touch of the Berlusconi about him…

Everyone has a type, and it turns out Pato’s is the daughters of rubber-faced, right-wing billionaires with wandering hands called Silvio.

FOOTBALL

🍽️ For me, that waiter’s done nothing wrong

So it's another man of the match performance from Cole Palmer, who's back to red hot form.

But it'll take more than a few League Cup goals and record ice cube sales to win over Graeme Souness, who accused Cole of being impolite when they crossed paths on their holidays.

Maybe his jam sandwich arrived cold...

UPSHOT GOLD EXCLUSIVE

📱 Grand Tour

Yaya Toure became the first African manager in Champions League history this week, as he led Slovan Bratislava to a very understandable spanking at the hands of PSG.

We’re pleased for Yaya, although slightly surprised he was able to get a coaching gig after he was booted off Soccer Aid in 2020 for offering to hire 19 escorts for his teammates.

We’ve told that story many times before, but we learned recently that Yaya was already on thin ice at Soccer Aid over a more heinous incident in the WhatsApp group two years earlier.

Back then, Soccer Aid was all male, and there was a bit of a laddy vibe in the WhatsApp group. The sort of gags and photos Andy Gray and Richard Keys ping each other.

But even by those standards, the former City midfielder went sliiiiightly too far when he sent in a video.

It showed a bloke in a village somewhere… fucking a chicken.

The chat went very quiet after that. Until one of the other celebs piped up: “Sorry Yaya, as a vegan I object to that”.

Not sure that’s the issue…

FOOTBALL

👑 Tooro or not Tooro

When you play non-league football, you're used to losing teammates to unusual side-gigs.

Sometimes they’re poached by Love Island producers. Sometimes they’re charged with ABH. And sometimes, they’re chosen to take the throne of a kingdom in Uganda.

Much like SE Dons captain George Desmond Kamurasi, who’s unexpectedly become the leader of 800,000 people in the African country’s Tooro region.

He was named heir by a royal succession committee, after the death of his cousin, King Oyo Nyimba Kabamba Iguru Rukidi IV.

George, whose side just reached the second qualifying round of the FA Cup, is reluctant to leave London, but Ugandan author Cynthia Natkoto has tipped him for great things:

Does sound like she’s rating a summer signing on Match of the Day, as opposed to a newly-crowned monarch.

SAILING

⛵ Rat’s on a sinking ship

Last week, we told you about Jim Ratcliffe's crackdown on six-year-old ticket touts.

But since then, reader Tristan has been in touch, to remind us that the Man United owner is an equal opportunities bastard: he also picks on fellow Knights of the Realm.

Ratcliffe is currently in the midst of a bitter dispute with Olympic gold medalist Sir Ben Ainslie, over who owns the racing yacht Ainslie captained at the 2024 America’s Cup.

According to court filings, Ratcliffe’s underling, Man United director Rob Nevin, accosted Ainslie on the day of the America’s Cup final, demanding he hand over the boat after the race and telling him:

The sailer refused, so another INEOS minion turned up at his office a few months later, and chained and padlocked him in from the outside.

Poor old Ben had to escape through the fire escape…

AMERICAN FOOTBALL

🇦🇶 And while we’re at it, why can’t I book a cruise to Atlantis?

In the fast-paced world of dipshit online conspiracy theories, flat earthers are already a bit passé.

So fair play to NFL star DK Metcalf, who just spiced things up by unveiling a new theory: there’s a secret society of advanced beings living under Antarctica’s ice.

You can, obviously. But apart from that, DK’s theory is watertight.

💉 Quick hits

💸 On Wednesday, Liverpool started Wirtz, Isak and Barcola against Atlético Madrid, and became the first team in history to field three £100m players in their starting XI.

⚽ Meanwhile, Marcos Llorente scored his fifth Champions League goal at Anfield, which is considerably more than most clubs have managed. Only Real Madrid have scored more CL goals there (8).

🐶 After Llorente scored two goals away at Liverpool in 2020, he named his dog Anfield.

🥱 Amazon Prime’s new Michael Owen reality series is a Jake Humphrey production.

🧠 Sabah manager Valdas Dambrauskas paid for his first coaching courses after winning £725 on the Lithuanian version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

🤸 Iranian defender Nader Mohammadi has done it again. That’s three assists from somersault throw-ins this season.

⛓️ Joey Barton will remain in prison until his trial in March next year.

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

💦 Damp Nou

Given Barcelona spent £70m on Anthony Gordon, you’d think they could spare a few quid to fix the roof of Camp Nou’s press box.