🤫 The Neymar Shield for Sordid Shenanigans

Our first award is a new one, celebrating excellence in the field of NDA’d parties, grubby orgies and weird family drama.

And it’s named after our first nominee, Neymar, who earned his nod for helicoptering a troop of escorts to a Sao Paulo ranch and having a farmyard sex party with his old man.

Ney tried to protest his innocence, claiming it was actually his dopy doppelgänger Eigon Oliveira at the orgy, but Shotters weren’t buying it. 77% of you thought he was lying.

We’re inclined to agree, but because there’s a seed of doubt, the Brazilian just misses out on the gong this year.

There’s no questioning Vinícius Júnior’s seedy credentials though, after Brazilian model Anna Silva branded him “a sex maniac” on national TV.

“He kept sending me dick pics,” she exclaimed, before revealing he cancelled their holiday to Marbella because she refused to rope a friend in for a threesome.

A worthy nominee, but our winner is…….. saucy wonderkid Lamine Yamal!

As well as frolicking with porn stars on jet skis and developing a nasty case of “discomfort in the pubic area”, Lamine hosted his now infamous 18th birthday party.

It was gangster themed, and guests included a busload of blonde models paid to be there because of their “very specific chest dimensions”, and a team of little people hired to serve drinks and do magic tricks.

It’s been some coming-of-age for Lamine. Only last year, he broke up with his girlfriend because she sat on another boy’s knee…

😵 Poor bastard of the year

Not everyone has an escort-laden chinook and a lookalike on speed dial. Behind the scenes, sport’s biggest stars are backed up by a coterie of siblings, staff and sidekicks.

And when things go wrong, it’s these supporting artists who suffer the most…

Our first nominee is Boca Juniors’ team doctor, who - despite not working in a Victorian brothel frequented by gin-swigging dock hands - had to deal with a major “syphilis outbreak” at the start of the year.

Three Boca players tested positive for Miss Siff in January, meaning he had to stick on his marigolds and swab the entire squad and coaching staff.

But while sticking a cotton bud in Edison Cavani sounds like a pretty thankless task, the good doc’s got nothing on our second nominee: Brian Brobbey's mother-in-law.

Before signing for Sunderland, Brian was the victim of a terrifying extortion plot back in his native Amsterdam.

And his blackmailer must have been a Les Dawson fan, because the saga culminated in someone sticking fireworks through the mother-in-law’s letterbox.

Scary stuff, but there can only be one Poor Bastard of the Year, and it is of course… The German non-league referee who was bitten on the balls by one of the player’s children.

According to the ref’s match report, the child "came closer and closer to me and suddenly and completely unexpectedly bit me on the left testicle."

The pain was so bad, he had to call off the match.

🪦 In memoriam

We’d like to change tack now, and take a minute to remember those who - quite literally - went too soon.

Back in January, we were shocked when Emmanuel Petit appeared on Monday Night Football and announced that Arsene Wenger’s legendary Assistant Manager, Pat Rice, had passed away.

And so was Pat, because he wasn’t dead. After quickly checking his pulse, Rice phoned into Sky Sports and gave Manu the good news: he was alive, well and sending his best.

It was a similar story in Bulgaria, when FC Arda Kardzhali held a minute’s silence for club legend Petko Ganchev.

Ganchev was at home watching on the telly, and said later: "When I heard the terrible news, I poured myself a small brandy."

Finally, who could forget the 22-year-old Atlético San Martín fan, who returned home from a five day bender and interrupted his own funeral.

Unbeknownst to him, he’d been declared dead because another man had been run over by a sugar cane truck, and his mum had wrongly identified the body as his.

Must have been a hell of a comedown…

🍺 Ballon D’Ivorce

We’d love to give this year’s Ballon D’Ivorce to the man who commissioned this inspiring Luke Littler window display.

But as we don’t know who he is, our first nominee will instead have to be Iker Casillas, who briefly dated porn star Claudia Bavel, 15 years his junior.

Unfortunately the romance didn’t last, largely because Iker is notoriously stingy. On one date, Claudia suggested they go to a bar for a glass of wine, and he pointed her towards a supermarket instead.

One man who doesn’t mind splashing his cash is Nicky Butt, who was knocking back £17 picantes at Soho Farmhouse in January for his 50th birthday.

Unfortunately he had one too many, and staggered outside to piss on a wall. When a security guard politely asked him to stop… Nicky headbutted him in the face.

Quite unhinged, but nothing on our very worthy winner: Liverpool legend Ian Rush.

In May, Ian released a 90-minute AI musical called “Rush for Justice”, detailing his legal battle with a Surrey scaffolding company and a small Wigan law firm.

Oh, and it was in the style of Hamilton.

😈 Biggest wrong’un

With the Yorkshire Rimmer married off and Quincy Promes finally locked up in the Netherlands, 2025 saw a brand new crop of scoundrels vying it out for this coveted award.

And the first was Quincy Promes’ lawyer, Cem Polat, who’s in the dock himself for helping a Flemish drug lord smuggle 16,000 kilos of cocaine.

Speaking of legal eagles, snowboarding drug lord Ryan Wedding was, until very recently, represented by a man named Deepak Paradkar.

He makes our list for advising his client: “If you kill this witness, the case will be dismissed.” Ryan did kill him, but the case wasn’t dismissed, and Paradkar is now in police custody too.

Getting a nod for a slightly more trivial offence is relay runner Alaila Everett, who went viral in March for clobbering her rival with a baton during the 4×200m final.

Rather than laying low after the incident, Alaila decided to give a tearful interview, insisting it was all an accident and the video made it look worse than it was.

But we weren’t buying it and neither were you: a whopping 93% of you thought she did it on purpose.

Elsewhere in the States, Upshot favourite Tyreek Hill was back in the news, after his date with OnlyFans “giantess” Sophie Hall went awry.

The pair were playing touch football in the Miami Dolphin star’s back yard, when an overzealous Hill tackled her and broke her leg.

She sued him for $50,000 to pay for reconstructive surgery, and he said she was lying and that she actually tripped over his dog. We know who we believe…

In the end though, it’s impossible to look past Gianni Infantino, who wins this year’s title for expunging every last drop of joy from the World Cup, simpering to Donald Trump and generally being a deeply unpleasant slimeball.

We were going to use this ad spot to flog Upshot Gold memberships with the promise of some godawful sex scandal, but last night we were visited by three Christmas spirits.

So instead, we’re encouraging you to give to the Trussell Trust, a charity which offers emergency help to people left without enough money to live on.

No one should spend Christmas hungry, so if you’ve got a few quid left after shelling out on the MrBeast Lab Cryo Set for your gormless niece, then please consider donating.

🎱 Sportsperson of the year

Finally, the biggest prize of them all.

We put a shortlist of four to our Upshot Gold members to decide who would take the crown from last year’s winner: non-league hat-trick hero, Jordan Evans.

And the results are in…

4) The United Strand (14%)

There are few people who’ve injected as much gallows humour into Man United’s perpetual downfall than Frank Ilett AKA The United Strand - the bushy haired blogger who’s refusing to cut his hair until the Red Devils win five games in a row.

We first noticed Frank when he began to bear a striking resemblance to The Yorkshire Ripper.

Perhaps he should’ve stuck to the serial killer look - his now-luscious barnet only earns him fourth place in our vote.

3) Segundo Castillo (19%)

Speaking of well-groomed stars, in third place is Barcelona Sporting Club gaffer Segundo Castillo.

The rakish Ecuadorian has worn some truly exceptional tuxedos on the touchline this season, including a Sean Connery-esque white dinner jacket, and a full leopard print number.

He also has an incredible touch, and his name literally translates as “Second Castle”.

2) Juan Bernabe (24%)

It’s been some journey for our runner up: Lazio’s former eagle handler, Juan Bernabe.

He first caught our attention in January, when he was sacked for sharing pictures of his erect knob online, after undergoing “penile prosthesis” surgery.

At the time he explained:

That could easily have been the last we heard of Juan, but instead of going quietly, he barricaded himself in Lazio’s training ground and stayed there until July when he was finally evicted.

After that, he did what any one of us would do: launched an OnlyFans.

But not even Juan’s escapades could thwart this year’s champion…

1) DJ Carey (43%)

Your winner is a man who pushed the boundaries of what’s possible in the realms of experimental healthcare and brazen fraud. It’s the Maradona of hurling, DJ Carey.

Back in August, DJ was found guilty of faking an “incurable brain tumour” to scam his pals out of £400k.

And we were enamoured as soon as we saw Exhibit A for the prosecution: the photo Carey sent friends from his “sickbed”, where he has an iPhone charger sticking out of his nose.

If anyone has the number of his parole officer, we’d love to hand DJ a specially commissioned golden cable.

That's it for this year. Thank you all for reading, sending stories and pouncing on our errors in the TV guide. See you in 2026.