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Important notice: due to football’s imminent arrival home there will be no edition of The Upshot on Monday as we’ll no doubt be three arse flares deep on the roof of a bus stop in Trafalgar Square. We’ll see you on Tuesday.

FOOTBALL

👬 Gerrit Südgate

There’s not much love lost between England fans and the long-suffering police forces of Europe.

But the hail of plastic furniture and bottles of weißbier never came, thanks to the cautious efficiency of this Gareth Southgate lookalike in the Dortmund polizei.

England fans serenaded the baffled bobby with “Southgate you’re the one”.

FOOTBALL

🥊 Juande Carroll

They call Darwin Nunez the Uruguayan Andy Carroll, and he certainly lived up to the moniker after Wednesday night’s Copa America semi final.

After Uruguay lost 1-0 to Colombia, scuffles broke out in stand holding the players’ families.

And the Liverpool striker came out swinging in their defence, leaping into the crowd and landing a few blows on the Colombian fans.

Slightly less luck for Spurs man Rodrigo Bentancur, who launched a bottle at the Colombians, but missed and hit one of his own fans.

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FOOTBALL

🤦‍♂️ Gott the wrong guy

It’s always exciting when former players choose a path outside the usual mix of vapid punditry and charity golfing with Richard Hammond.

So hats off to former Liverpool and Newcastle left-back Jose Enrique, who is now hiring, firing and perspiring in the cut-throat world of football agents.

Sure, he’s had the odd slip up. Like last week, when the Spaniard was hawking his client (and noted civil rights activist) Todd Cantwell around southern Italy.

Being the straight shooter that he is, Jose decided to cut the crap and just get in touch with Lecce manager Luca Gotti directly.

Unfortunately he sent his Instagram message to a Luca Gotti parody account instead of the man himself.

And yeah, they posted it online.

FOOTBALL

💼 Iv got a cunning plan

Speaking of clumsy agents, everyone was surprised when Barcelona were linked to Hull winger Jaden Philogene.

And the speculation grew this week when his agent Ivo Camacho pumped out a couple of Instagram pics while seemingly attending a meeting at Barcelona’s HQ.

But Barca quickly dismissed the reports, insisting sporting director Deco had not met Camacho.

It turned out Camacho had just rocked up and taken a few photos in the car park, and Barca’s security guards kicked him out as soon as they spotted him.

If Ivo does want to master the dark arts, he should spend some time with Ousmane Dembele’s agent Moussa Sissoko.

When his client wanted to leave Barcelona, Moussa approached a scrum of papparazzi while holding out his phone, accidentally revealing an incoming call from Paris St Germain chief Leonardo…

Definitely didn’t just save his mum’s number as “Leonardo Psg”…

FOOTBALL

💔 Guess that’s why they call it Les Bleus

So the party’s over for France who - unlike their compatriots back home - were a remarkably united camp at this Euros.

The most Mbappe had to worry about was another bonk on the schnozzer, or catching a stray in William Saliba’s splashzone.

But perhaps that was part of the problem. Some of France’s biggest successes have come when they were riven with infighting.

In the early 80s, their first golden generation was almost torn apart when it emerged that star player Michel Platini’s wife had been having an affair with his central midfield partner Jean Francois Larios.

“We no longer spoke. Not even a hello. But we continued to play together,” Larios explained later.

At the next Euros, Platini scored a record 9 goals and France lifted the trophy…

TENNIS

👕 Bjorn out of wedlock

We live in strange times: a man who sprinkles salt in a funny way gets to lift the World Cup trophy, and that Hawk Tuah girl is set to be a millionaire for joking about spitting on a penis.

Back in the old days, chasing fame was a more agricultural pursuit: take the story of Bjorn Borg’s love life, for example.

The Swedish heartthrob was known as the Iceman, the ultimate professional who married his childhood sweetheart and won Wimbledon five times in a row before he was 25.

That was until 1984 when he signed up to judge a wet t-shirt competition in Stockholm, and picked out 17-year-old nurse Jannike Björling as the winner. In fact, he was so impressed he left his wife and ran off with her.

They were together for five years and had a kid, before Bjorn ditched her too. For an Italian porn star…

💉 Quick hits

🇪🇸 Since May 2001, Spanish teams have played non-Spanish teams in 22 major finals (Champions League, Europa League, World Cup, Euros). The Spanish side has won all 22 finals.

🌱 Lamine Yamal was 12 when Covid broke out.

🍆 Chinese carmaker BYD’s sponsorship of the Euros has sent millions of German internet users to BYD.de, which you’ll no doubt know as the online home of Buy Your Dildo.

🏆 Bjorn Borg won six French Opens and five Wimbledons in a row before retiring at 25.

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AND FINALLY

🤕 Spainkiller

Spain have looked so good this summer, it’ll take some truly underhand tactics for England to outwit them on Sunday.

If it doesn’t work playing eight at the back or dragging the game out so long that German labour laws force Lamine Yamal to come off, then perhaps Southgate can send Spain’s hapless security team into the breach.

After Spain’s semi-final win, a bodyguard tried to intercept a pitch invader but ended up slipping and taking out captain Alvaro Morata.

Morata twisted his knee on the way down and is a doubt for the final.

Shame he didn’t take out a better player…

That's it for today. Thanks to Anthony.

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