FOOTBALL

🍦 Jer want a flake with that?

Besides the exhausting demands of sexually satisfying two people, Jermaine Defoe’s new three-way relationship comes with another thankless task: keeping the arrangement out the papers.

In fact, the red tops have a proud history of busting the former Spurs striker for two-timing his girlfriends.

Back in 2007, the News of the World took time out from rifling through Charlotte Church’s bins to expose Defoe for “playing a game of two other halves”.

Describing Jermaine as “boobsmacked” because he liked big breasts, the kiss n’ tell story also contained this truly insane quote from his ex-girlfriend…

Scoop!

GOLF

🌳 Bad luck comes in trees

Tough day at the office for Joost Luiten, who reacted to a dodgy shot by throwing his prized driver in the air, only for it to get stuck in a tree.

He lost two more clubs trying to get it down before admitting defeat, booting his bag in frustration.

FOOTBALL

🍺 Bull in a China shop

When retired banter-merchant Jimmy Bullard coughed up the £100k joining fee for Sunningdale Golf Club, there were a few concerned glances in the clubhouse.

Sure, he had a handicap of one, but he also swanned around the hallowed course with a beer in hand, addressed the 90 year old club treasurer as “geeza” and pulled elderly members’ chairs away just before they sat down.

In the end, they decided to give Jimmy the benefit of the doubt, but he didn’t last long.

The former Wigan star revealed this week that he was kicked out of the exclusive club after playing 18 holes while using an open bottle of Peroni as a tee.

“I had a few drinks and I got carried away,” he explained. “I put a Peroni off the first tee and clipped a ball off it. I’m not allowed to go again”.

FOOTBALL

🐟 Flying fish

Ilkay Gundogan’s wife called Manchester’s restaurants “horrible…everything frozen”, while Angel di Maria’s other half complained: "The people are weird, the food is disgusting. It was a shithole”.

But none of those insults will hurt the proud people of Manchester like the news that golden boy Erling Haaland is airlifting in food to avoid the local grub.

Sick of the half-thawed scampi and Birdseye fish fingers in the Man City canteen, the striker is now flying in fresh Norwegian salmon from the icy fjords of his homeland.

“Haaland’s been banging on about the fish” explained a Man City insider. "He made the nutritionist arrange for the best fish restaurant in Norway to have their kitchen staff fly over.”

Hopefully the Manc nosh is the only thing Erling and Mrs Di Maria agree on - she also branded the locals “skinny and weird”, which is a bit rich when her husband looks like this…

FOOTBALL

🦶 You callous bastard

Nice “don’t make em like that no more” story from trained chiropodist Neil Warnock:

UPSHOT PODCAST

🎙️ I eat the heart and liver

Erling Haaland isn’t like other humans.

While you normies are sipping your lattes and humming along to Coldplay, he gorges on chicken livers, raps about world peace, and wakes up to the Champions League anthem. Every single day.

As the loveable Robo-Viking smashes every record under the sun, welcome to the weird world of Erling Haaland…

AND FINALLY

✍️ You’ve got to fookin’ die for a sustainable approach to governance

Hats off to the Whitehall bureaucrat who snuck a reference to Neil Warnock’s famous “enjoy it, but enjoy it by being fookin’ disciplined” speech into the government white paper for a new football regulator.

That's it for today. Thanks to Nick.

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