FOOTBALL

🔫 And for April Fool’s Day, I’m giving him actual bodily harm

You’ll no doubt have heard the mad story coming out of North London this week about Spurs defender Destiny Udogie, who had a gun pulled on him on a street in Barnet by a top football agent.

If the agent is after a creative defence, he could look to Russia, where three men were just banged up for trying to kidnap Zenit St Petersburg midfielder Andrei Mostovoy.

They were fought off by one of Andrei’s mates, and were later arrested, after which they told cops the abduction was simply a “birthday prank”.

Which would be sliiightly easier to believe if they hadn’t kidnapped the son of a prominent Russian politician straight afterwards, and held him ransom for £100k.

Next time try cling film over the loo…

FOOTBALL

📱 Like father, like Juan

After loaning out Mussolini’s great-grandson and evicting knob-flashing falconer Juan Bernabe from their training ground, Lazio execs were hopeful they could finally clean up the club’s image.

Unfortunately, they forgot to brief one man: the owner’s son, Enrico Lotito.

Enrico is Director of Football for Lazio’s women’s team, but that prestigious role hasn’t stopped him firing out some very horny messages on Instagram in recent weeks.

On Saturday, he left a comment under an influencer’s post, asking if she “wanted to fuck”.

And last month, he shared a bunch of creepy AI-generated pictures of himself holding hands with various women.

One showed him with Ludovica Pagani, wife of Stephan El Shaarawy, who plays for Lazio’s local rivals Roma.

To be fair to Enrico, he’s only following in the footsteps of his old man.

Claudio Lotito has been banned from football three times, and was close personal friends with Silvio Berlusconi.

FOOTBALL

🦁 Unlucky Saint

St Albans City mascot Sammy the Saint was looking a little worse for wear this week, as his side travelled to Burton for an FA Cup tie.

He was eventually escorted off the field and ejected from the stadium for being drunk and disorderly.

AMERICAN FOOTBALL

🐶 Clone paws

When a beloved family pet passes away, most people cope by flicking through some old photo albums and raising a glass to the dearly departed.

But a few polaroids of Mr. Whiskers don’t cut it when you’re a multimillionaire who’s used to getting your own way.

This week, Former NFL quarterback Tom Brady revealed he had his pit bull Lua cloned before she died, using a Jurassic Park-esque startup company called Colossal.

The process typically costs between $50,000 and $85,000, and Tom’s not the only high-profile celeb who’s forked out for a doggy doppelgänger.

Back in 2018, Barbara Streisand paid $100,000 to make two clones of her cherished Coton de Tulear, but she was left disappointed when the new pups had different personalities and eye colours.

Sounds an awful lot like the “scientists” just popped down to Battersea and grabbed a couple of lookalikes…

FOOTBALL

🎬 Carr crash interview

There was an enjoyable gaffe from Jamie Carragher this week, when he accidentally wandered into the background of a Brazilian Champions League broadcast.

He’s got a habit of popping up in unexpected places during Dortmund games. Last year, he drank eight pints in Westfalenstadion’s yellow wall as BVB took on PSG.

💉 Quick hits

💍 Lamine Yamal’s dad, 39, has just proposed to his 23-year-old girlfriend. She’s two years younger than Lamine’s ex, who he split up with this week.

🚗 After failing his theory six times, Luke Littler has finally passed his driving test. He got zero minors, but he did learn on an automatic.

⚖️ Former Liverpool forward El Hadji Diouf is facing a jail sentence in Senegal for allegedly refusing to pay child support.

🎄 Spotted buying Christmas baubles in Liberty this week: former Leicester boss Claudio Ranieri.

🪩 Meanwhile, according to Popbitch, Talksport’s Simon Jordan was at a matinee performance of ABBA Voyage. “Not much of a Dancing Queen unfortunately. He didn’t get out of his premium front row seat to boogie once.”

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

🥸 We’ve Putin the work on the training ground