FOOTBALL

🔇 Darling can you pop to the shops? We’re out of audio again

As Joey Barton enters week two of his war on female pundits, branding their supporters “eunuchs” and “fartparcels”, the rabid headcase is at least sticking to his guns.

Unlike his spiritual cousin, John Terry, who backed down from a similar protest during the 2018 World Cup.

After turning on Portugal v Morocco to find it was commentated by a woman, JT told his followers he was “having to watch this game with no volume”.

When the inevitable backlash came, Terry quickly fired out a video explaining he meant there was “no audio in the house”, like it was hot water or milk:

“I returned home from the Maldives today around two o’clock to find there’s no audio in the house whatsoever.”

FOOTBALL

☎️ The banker would like to offer you the Sheffield United job

For most elite managers, unemployment is a chance to skill up: Eddie Howe decamped to Madrid to shadow Diego Simeone, while Pep Guardiola spent six hours a day studying German.

So when Chris Wilder returned to the Sheffield United dugout, the club’s in-house media were keen to hear what tactical masterstrokes he’d been cooking up.

“I've had far too many afternoons sat on the settee watching Deal or No Deal”, Chris explained. “I feel as if I've got a personal relationship with Bradley Walsh."

In fairness, Chris isn’t the only one dicking about on his time off.

When Sean Dyche got his P45 from Burnley, he became a regular on the gigs and festivals circuit, even popping up with a load of pilled up 16-year-olds at Reading.

And when Gareth Ainsworth was asked how he’d enjoy his freedom after being sacked by QPR, he replied: “You've got to have some focus. That focus for me is getting better at the guitar.”

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FOOTBALL

😱 Pirl clutching

While Chris Wilder watches Loose Women and eats Ben and Jerry’s out of the tub, we like to picture Andrea Pirlo sipping an espresso and picking biscotti out of his perfectly sculpted beard.

But like his new club Sampdoria, the once-stylish midfielder has fallen on hard times, and finds himself managing in the Italian second tier.

And just to rub it in, striker Sebastiano Esposito celebrated a goal by throwing Pirlo around the technical area like a shopkeeper with unpaid gambling debts.

FOOTBALL

💸 Crocodiles in his pockets

If you listened to our Galacticos podcast, you’ll know former Spain keeper Iker Casillas is so tight his teammates said “he had crocodiles in his pockets”.

The Real Madrid legend was nicknamed 'Tacaño' - 'the stingy one' after trousering €30 lent to him by captain Fernando Hierro for a cab home, and taking the metro instead.

Years later, he threatened to turn the car around when TV presenter Bertin Osborne didn’t have the cash to split a €2 motorway toll.

But it turns out Iker has a decent excuse for his penny pinching.

As a child, the keeper’s dad filled out the slip on a 14-way accumulator, and asked his son to pop into the bookies to place the bet. But thinking the ridiculous wager had no chance, Iker pocketed the stake instead.

The following day, all 14 results came through and his dad was toasting a €1.2m win, when a sheepish Iker fessed up.

Good job he made it as a footballer…

FOOTBALL

🎧 Oi Sandro bell your guy again

Sandro Tonali looked miserable when he arrived in Newcastle, but since discovering Wetherspoons’ £6 beer and a burger deal, he’s gone fully native.

Despite his ten month betting ban, the Italian press say Tonali and his girlfriend Giulia are “immersed in the new reality of living in Jesmond.”

Considering Jesmond is Newcastle’s ghetto for students from the home counties, he’s probably sucking on a laughing gas balloon right now, chatting to a bloke with a signet ring about deep house.

UPSHOT PODCAST

🎙️ The thinking man’s scumbag

Even before his latest outburst, we all knew Joey Barton was mental.

He punches children, quotes Nietzsche, and once sunk his teeth into his own club captain.

From cigars in eyes to zoo animals on the loose, meet the Premier League’s biggest wrong’un on The Upshot podcast.

AND FINALLY

🎱 Maximum brake

Staying calm on the black is hard enough, but try doing it when a stolen Land Rover crashes through the wall of the pub.

That's it for today. Thanks to David and George.

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Still want more?

🎙️ From street fights with children to setting teammates on fire, meet the thinking man’s scumbag, Joey Barton on The Upshot podcast.

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