FOOTBALL

😈 That sounds like Lee Carsley’s problem to me

By now Gareth Southgate will be safely ensconced in his haunted mansion, getting hyped for the rhythmic gymnastics while the ghost of Henry Robinson pelts him with cups.

He certainly doesn’t have to worry about Kyle Walker’s shagging scandals any more, which is fortunate, because it sounds like some other England stars have been on a big ol’ shagging spree.

That’s according to gossip newsletter Popbitch…

Answers on a postcard, but while we’re on the topic, we’ll chuck in a story we heard this week too…

Which married England star took a girl home after partying at a godawful beach bar this week?

His companion was complimentary about his bedroom skills and “girthy” equipment. But less so about his “cringy” chat-up line: “you look just like my wife”.

Maaaaate….

FOOTBALL

🚨 Criminally Inseine

As Ann Hidalgo submerged her head in the e.coli riddled torrents of the Seine, the Parisian mayor breathed a sigh of relief.

Sure, she’ll probably catch cholera and spend the Olympic fortnight retching into her bidet, but she’s kept her promise of swimming in the river ahead of the Games.

And the threatened “poo protest” from angry locals ended up being one man urinating into the river from a bank.

Unfortunately, Ann has a new PR problem on her hands: an Olympic crime wave.

Thieves broke into an Australian team bus and ransacked their suitcases this week, and elsewhere two Aussie journalists were mugged at knifepoint.

Meanwhile, the Olympic football opener descended into chaos as Moroccan fans responded to a late Argentina equaliser by storming the pitch and launching fireworks at the Argentine bench.

The players were holed up in the dressing room for two hours before VAR ruled the goal out, and they returned to play out the final three minutes in an empty stadium.

While they were out there, someone broke into Thiago Almada’s locker and pinched his watch.

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FOOTBALL

🔥 When doves fry

In fairness to the French, Paris will need more than a few pickpockets to match the absolute shitshow that was Rio 2016.

Fans arrived at the Maracanã for the first day of the Olympic football to discover stadium staff had lost the key and needed bolt cutters to get in.

And the swimming pools turned green after a rogue contractor poured too much hydrogen peroxide in, causing algae to bloom. One athlete complained: “it smells of fart”.

Although our favourite hosting cock-up remains Seoul 1988, when they released a flock of doves to symbolise peace between nations.

The doves settled on the Olympic flame’s cauldron, and everyone thought they’d move when the torchbearers lit the fire.

They didn’t.

BASKETBALL

🔫 Elite shooter

It’s been a rough summer for LeBron James’ son Bronny.

Critics branded the 19-year-old a “nepo baby” after the Lakers overlooked his mediocre college record to sign him in last month’s draft, making Bronny and LeBron the first ever father/son teammates.

And he didn’t do himself any favours in the NBA’s post-season tournament, missing his first 15 attempts at a three pointer.

But Bronny finally silenced the haters last week, as he was crowned the winner of the NBA’s Call of Duty League, landing himself a belt and $10,000 prize money.

Maybe he can finally move out of his parents’ house now…

OLYMPICS

😍 Schmiddten

From Noah Lyles to Simone Biles, there are plenty of exciting young stars descending on Paris.

But for Fleet Street’s traffic-hungry editors, there’s only one athlete worth cramming into your smutty sidebar: German sprinter Alica Schmidt.

Branded "the world's sexiest athlete" by the reputable sounding Aussie rag Busted Coverage, Alica was the most written about athlete at the Tokyo Games, appearing 148 times in the British tabloids.

There was just one small hitch: she didn't run a single race. Alica failed to make both German relay teams and hadn't qualified for any individual events.

Fortunately for the red tops, she will be in German’s 4×400m relay team this year. And the Daily Star have got the latest on her preparation…

💉 Quick hits

📈 Bit of a Leicester story going on in Japan: with 14 games to go, the J-League leaders are newly promoted Machida Zelvia, who were a non-league side until 2009.

🐕 Among the trial events at the 1900 Paris Olympics: fire-fighting, poetry and poodle clipping.

🏊 GB swim God Adam Peaty holds all of the fastest 15 times for breast stroke ever recorded.

😎 Was Sydney 2000 the pinnacle of Olympic fashion...?

🔑 You can get The Upshot three times a week when you sign up for Upshot Gold

AND FINALLY

🖋️ It’s coming Homes

Team GB back tattoos are a rare beast, so it’s always nice to spot one in the wild, with the added bonus of a spelling mistake.

That's it for today. Thanks to Carole, Sammy, Duane and Neil.