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💬 Quote of the day
“I get schnitzel sent to me every week, so I have no choice but to eat it.” - Harry Kane.
CRICKET
📖 That’s what I think of your erection policy
“I’d rather be arrogant and great than modest and shit,” declared Ian Botham as he sat down with The Times to promote his new autobiography.
Fair enough. But how does Beefy channel his greatness now he’s 70 and long retired?
Well, he’s fantastic at humble bragging:
The summer of ’81, I made 399 runs, took 34 wickets and held 12 catches. I don’t care. I’m not going to sit here blowing my own trumpet.
And name-dropping:
I’m no hero. But I do remember Nelson Mandela saying he appreciated how I stood up against apartheid. He said to me, “You’re my hero.”
And he’s pretty good at deflecting when a reporter brings up the fact he once advocated “linear shockwave therapy” for erectile dysfunction:
I did it because a couple of friends, who I’m obviously not going to name, had real problems. But I’m absolutely fine.
The dick pic he accidentally posted on Twitter that time would beg to differ…
FOOTBALL
🥸 Dead ringer
Speaking of the sexual performance of retired GOATs, Messi hung up his Argentina shirt last week, which seems as good a reason as any to bring up the time he crossed paths with another national hero: Xoana Gonzalez.
The former Playboy model appeared on Peruvian TV back in 2011, alleging she’d had a one-night stand with Leo and slating his technique:
When one plays across the whole pitch, you expect someone to return the favour. At one point I felt like I was with a dead body.
Could be true, could be bollocks. Or Xoana could have unwittingly encountered Iranian Messi lookalike, Reza Parastesh.
Reza recently lashed out at a number of papers, who he says falsely accused him of duping women into bed by pretending to be Leo.
It’s not the only time his resemblance to Messi has got him in trouble:
After Messi scored against Iran [in 2014], my father did not allow me to enter the house.
FOOTBALL
🤕 Santa pause
A commentator had to give a fan a smack during a game in Chile, because he stood in front of the camera as Santa María were about to score.
CONMEN
💸 Farewell, we hardly knew Lee
On Monday, we told Upshot Gold members about Lee Andrews, who announced his own death on Instagram, only to reappear hours later claiming he'd been hacked.
We suspect he was trying to cash in a dodgy life insurance policy, but quickly realised it was more hassle than it was worth.
Luckily for him, there are easier ways to make a quick buck. He’s since set up a GoFundMe page, in the hopes of raising £95,000 so he can fly home to the UK.
And hopefully he gets back, because Lee appears to have a famous admirer eagerly awaiting his return.
This week, he shared a video he’d received from adult star Bonnie Blue, in which she propositioned him and told him he’s “so sexy and so hot.”
Bonnie quickly responded, pointing out that Lee had paid for the video on Cameo.
FOOTBALL
⛸️ Purple Ain
When Gillingham gaffer Gareth Ainsworth wears a suit on the touchline, he’s not fooling anyone. People know he’s rock and roll.
Which might be why he opted to wear a sparkly purple top on Sky Sports this week, making him look more like a Dancing on Ice contestant than a pundit.
It’s not the first time he’s pushed the boundaries of managerial fashion. When he was Wycombe boss, he once sported these rather fetching snakeskin boots.
💉 Quick hits
🤘 Gareth Ainsworth fronts a rock band called The Cold Blooded Hearts.
🪿 Elsewhere in Beefy’s book, he says he once shot 67 geese and made burgers out of them.
💸 Lee Andrews is still someway off his £95,000 GoFundMe target. He’s currently raised £29. Which is probably how much a Cameo from Bonnie Blue costs.
⏱️ West Brom U21 striker Justin Seven-Seven came on against Sutton United on Tuesday and scored in the 77th minute.
🐐 FC Köln's goat mascot Hennes IX, is currently quarantined in the city zoo due to an outbreak of avian flu.
🏏 A teenager from Pakistan called Adam Gilchrist scored 117 runs in a Karachi school cricket match this week.
🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.
AND FINALLY…
🐌 Jamaican me crazy
A truly shit penalty from Mount Pleasant winger Trayvone Reid in the Caribbean Cup.
That’s it for today.
