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Fun, crazy and preferably single
Messi's gun smuggling plot
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💬 Quote of the day
“Real Madrid can't beat City. If they beat City, I'll cut off my testicles.’’ - Sergio Agüero
FOOTBALL
️🇸🇾 al-Clásico
As Bashar al-Assad stomps round his drab Moscow Khrushchevka and ruminates the sudden collapse of his Syrian regime, there’s one culprit he keeps circling back to: FC Barcelona.
According to a resurfaced 2012 theory from Syrian State TV, the Catalan giants were secretly sending coded messages to anti-Assad dissenters through their passing patterns.
As a reporter explains, the tika-taka passing of Andrés Iniesta, Sergio Busquets and Lionel Messi against Real Madrid was actually a clever way of showing insurgents how to smuggle illegal arms into the country:
First we see how the guns are brought from Lebanon. Then they cross into Homs and give the weapons to other terrorists in Abu Kamal.
Messi's final flick indicates the successful handover of the weapons to their destination in eastern Syria.
Midfield generals…
FOOTBALL
🪖 I spent a lot of money on Red Bull, Ultimate Team packs and custom weapon skins. The rest I just squandered.
While his Barca teammates pored over maps of Aleppo in the Nou Camp war room, pushing toy soldiers around with croupier sticks, Neymar was always more interested in front line action.
According to the Brazil star’s Steam profile, he’s spent 11,353 hours playing first person shooter Counterstrike since December 2016.
Add on his 6,139 hours playing other games, and a quick calculation will tell you he’s spent 25% of the last 8 years slouched in a Secretlab gaming chair, slurping Monster and taunting gormless tweenagers through his headset.
For comparison, he’s only spent 285 hours (or 0.4% of his life) playing football in that time.
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FOOTBALL
🦅 Juan last job
We’ve been waiting with bated breath to see what Juan Bernabe - the disgraced Lazio eagle handler with the prosthetic knob - would do next.
Would he hand out free WKDs with Eiffel 65 at the Rome branch of Pop World? Or perhaps he’d star in an adult movie called Barely Eagle.
We’re sure he’ll get round to those things, but first he popped up on the radio to do a scathing interview about Lazio president Claudio Lotito:
He's dishonest, I will sue him. The first time I saw him he was snoring.
I have seen several players cry because of how they were treated. I am a martyr, for 7 months I was not paid. He sent the police to my room after the operation.
He also rocked up at Serie D side Folgore Caratese this week, in full kit and with his shamed eagle in tow. Apparently he charges €1,000 a game.
PERVS
🍹 Wayne’s world
Looking for a summer job? Did that internship with the Woking branch of Foxtons fall through?
Then may we recommend a 9-week stint serving saccharine rum cocktails to crypto bros and politely fending off the advances of Championship footballers?
That’s right, Wayne Lineker is on the lookout for summer staff at his Ibiza beach club!
You’re probably wondering what the requirements of the role are…
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FOOTBALL
👯♀️ He laughed but seemed uncomfortable about it
As Everton celebrate a famous draw in the last-ever Merseyside derby at Goodison Park, we’ve been reminiscing about the best players to ever grace its hallowed turf.
And top of our list is one-time Dutch wonderkid Andy van der Meyde, who had affairs with strippers, naked scraps with David Moyes and once crammed two horses into the backseat of his BMW.
Our favourite Shandy Andy tale comes from his wild first summer in Liverpool, when he moved over to the UK with only his housekeeper’s 15-year-old son Adriano for company…
It was his fifteenth birthday, and we decided to go to a strip club. Adriano had been bugging me about going out, and even though he was only 15, I thought it’d be a laugh.
Adriano had the night of his life. I had him photographed with six naked women, and he even got a Polaroid printout as a souvenir. It was past midnight, and time to head home.
To my great regret, I let Adriano take the wheel of my car. We were both drunk, but he drove us safely home. Later, Adriano showed the Polaroid to his father. He laughed but seemed uncomfortable about it.
Andy’s story is absolutely wild - hear all about it in our latest podcast.
💉 Quick hits
📊 Everton and Liverpool each won 41 Merseyside derbies at Goodison Park.
🎮 Other games Neymar’s played over the years: Jurassic Park Evolution, Tekken 7 and Sims 4.
🏟️ Paris FC have announced they’ll be moving to the Stade Jean-Bouin next season. It’s pretty close to PSG’s ground…
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AND FINALLY…
🎰 All’s fair in love and draw
That’s it for today. Thanks to Sammy.
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