FOOTBALL

🤕 Santos little helper

When your dad is the imprisoned ex-Brazil star Robinho, you’re best off looking elsewhere for a father figure.

So when the great Neymar rocked up at Santos last year, Robinho Júnior was hoping for a game of catch and maybe some dating advice from his new teammate.

Unfortunately, it turns out Ney isn’t exactly the kindly, avuncular figure Júnior was after.

The 18-year-old striker nutmegged Neymar in training this week, and the Brazil legend responded by tripping the youngster up and delivering "a violent slap to his face.”

They’ve since cleared the air, but if Ney is really looking for forgiveness, he should turn to his former Barcelona teammate Dani Alves.

Dani recently got out of jail after his sexual assault conviction was overturned, and he’s now gone full Russell Brand and become an evangelical preacher.

Hopefully he’s better at finding his Bible passages.

FOOTBALL

🙏 Sorry Endrick, God says it’s your turn to do the washing up again

Speaking of God-fearing Brazilians, 19-year-old Real Madrid striker Endrick believes there’s a divine plan for his playing career.

He’s currently having a great time on loan at Lyon, and the French press are keen to know where he’ll be playing his football next season.

Unfortunately, as he explained to reporters this week, it’s not up to him:

Quite how Endrick’s wife - 23-year-old model Gabriely Miranda - has convinced him she has a direct line to God, we’re not sure. But it sounds like it comes in handy.

When they started dating a couple of years ago, she got him to sign a “relationship contract”, which among other things barred him from getting a virtual girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto.

FOOTBALL

🧣 Glory glory Man United Coventry City

Ever since Coventry got promoted, new glory-hunting Sky Blues fans have been scouring Vinted for ‘87 away shirts and desperately Googling the lyrics to We'll Live and Die in These Towns.

Among their ranks is singer Tom Grennan, who popped up at the title celebrations on Monday.

He slipped on a CCFC scarf and sang a few numbers, before giving a heartfelt interview to Sky Sports about what the team means to him:

All well and good, but he was singing a slightly different tune in 2018, when he sat down for a chat with the Man United website:

Presumably he’ll be wearing a half-and-half scarf when United play Cov next season. Christ knows what he’ll do if Luton Town ever get promoted again:

CYCLING

🐄 Moo’dunit

In the buildup to Belgium’s Famenne Ardenne Classic, competitors had spent hours lubing their thighs, plucking their eyelashes and measuring the PH level of their earwax.

But for all their marginal gains, there was one thing the riders didn’t account for: an ungodly sea of cowpats.

Several cyclists were taken to hospital directly after the one-day race, suffering from abdominal pain, diarrhoea, fever and vomiting.

The official cause is yet to be determined, but the team at Lotto-Intermarché believe it was cow manure on the course, with wet roads causing excrement to be splashed on to their riders.

Sounds like bullshit to us.

CURLING

👈 Point the finger

In most countries, curling only enters the public consciousness for about 40 minutes once every four years. But not in Sweden.

Over there, they’re still mighty pissed at Canadian curler Marc Kennedy, who they believe stole gold at the Winter Olympics by touching a stone with his finger after releasing it.

They’re so pissed, in fact, that students in Gothenburg created this elaborate float for their annual carnival parade:

💉 Quick hits

📉 Chelsea have now lost six consecutive league games for the first time since 1993.

🐎 Luke Littler and Stephen Bunting have just teamed up to buy a race horse from Michael Owen.

⚖️ Mathematically, Newcastle could still qualify for the Champions League or be relegated.

💊 Organisers of the cycling event at the Esports World Championships have introduced random drug tests.

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AND FINALLY…

✊ Handy Murray

We have a feeling the grubby hacks at the Star knew exactly what they were doing with this headline. In case you’re wondering, Carlos’ “private time” activity is playing golf…