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FOOTBALL

✊ I have a dream that one day, a team will gegenpress their way to 99 points

As Jurgen Klopp gnashed his pearly whites in the Premier League one last time, the nation braced for two weeks of frenzied mourning from the good people of Liverpool.

Tearful Scousers would line Anfield Road as a skiffle band broke into a sombre version of “Allez Allez Allez” and a flock of Liver birds were released above Jurgen’s favourite teeth whitening clinic.

But the hysteria never came - Klopp’s farewell was a disappointingly sane affair.

And so it fell to journalist Rob Draper to overdo the eulogies on his podcast…

Well sure, but how many times did MLK win the League Cup?

FOOTBALL

🤩 You probably recognise me from my four goals for Billericay Town in the Isthmian Premier

Since Leo Messi’s arrival in Miami, America has been desperately cashing in on soccer fever. But not everyone’s got the budget for a big name.

Like dating show Love Undercover, who roped in Premier League journeymen Jamie O’Hara and Ryan Babel for their latest series.

After posing as an ad salesman at the start of the show, Jamie shocked his love interest by revealing he was in fact footballing and radio royalty.

“So I'm actually a really famous soccer player from England,” he told his astonished date. “And I have one of the biggest radio shows in Europe.”

Might be slightly disappointing when she realises that amounts to 34 games for Spurs and co-hosting The Sports Bar with Jason Cundy…

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FOOTBALL

🇧🇷 Rio housewives

From Neymar funding his dad’s orgies to Hulk marrying his niece, Brazilian football is an incestuous snake pit at the best of times.

But one man’s nihilistic hellscape is another man’s opportunity, and Real Madrid defender Eder Militao has been quietly profiting from this free love culture for a while.

After stealing his last two girlfriends from Neymar, Eder has performed a WAG swap with Flamengo centre-back Leonardo Perreira, poaching his girlfriend Taina Casto.

Militao’s ex, Karolina Lima has gone the other way in the deal, shacking up with Perreira.

Slightly tough break for Karolina, who started off as Neymar’s girlfriend and is now heading down the pecking order at an alarming rate.

One person who will sympathise is Natasha Lever, who dated Dwight Yorke, Phil Bardsley and Danny Simpson before ending up with Ryan Giggs’ brother Rhodri.

And they lived happily ever after…

FOOTBALL

✍️ End in sight

In that sordid climate, it’s no wonder Brazil’s younger generation are turning to extreme measures to stay faithful.

Take Endrick, the 17 year old wonderkid who scored against England in March. His influencer girlfriend Gabriely has persuaded him to sign a written contract governing his behaviour.

Among the provisions:

• Not allowed to comment on other girls’ Instagrams.

• Must say “I love you” in all situations.

• Not allowed a virtual girlfriend in Grand Theft Auto.

Endrick explained: "Whoever doesn’t comply has to give what the other person wants. Like, I asked for an Apple headset and she gave it to me."

Considering Real Madrid are paying him £30k a week to join this summer, he can probably get away with the odd virtual shag on GTA…

FOOTBALL

🏆 Smit part player

There’s been plenty of chat about referees this season, but even the dodgiest VAR call pales in comparison to the brazen match-fixing of Dutch ref Jan Smit.

Needing a point to lift the fourth division title, Sint George were trailing hated rivals SV De Valken 2-1 until Jan took matters into his own hands.

He sent off three SV De Valken players, before signalling a scarcely believable 15 minutes added time. And in the very last minute, Sint George’s goalkeeper finally netted an equaliser, sending the home crowd wild.

After the game, the controversial referee slipped on his weed leaf shirt and jumped on stage to join the celebrations, lifting the trophy and grabbing the mic to sing a song.

The Dutch football federation banned him for life, but Jan couldn’t understand the fuss: “I just sang a song and held up the bowl once. That's the only thing. I find it too sad for words.”

AND FINALLY

📸 Much Ado about nothing

Pretty sweet profile pic from Ecuadorian winger Adonis Preciado.

Wonder when they took it…

That's it for today. Thanks to George and Sammy.

Don’t forget, Readly are giving you two months free digital access to 7,000 newspapers and magazines like Viz, FourFourTwo and the Guardian.