He spooked the horses
Joey Barton terrifies party guests
Send stories, abuse and tasteless gags to [email protected]
💬 Quote of the day
"If my father was God, Scott McTominay is Jesus.” - Diego Maradona Jr.
At least Neapolitans will have someone to cheer at the World Cup.
FOOTBALL
💡 Got the Hump
Last week, we told you that everyone had turned on poor old Liam Rosenior, mercilessly mocking him for Chelsea’s poor results and his vapid LinkedIn “drivel”.
But there is one man who’s got Liam’s back. Someone who appreciates his three point non-negotiables, his 1% gains and his steadfast commitment to “be the light in the room”.
And that man is, of course, Jake Humphrey.
Jake was discussing Liam on his High Performance podcast this week, telling co-host Damian Hughes (Insta handle @Liquidthinker) that he didn’t understand the criticism:
99.9% of these people criticising him would never dare to risk their reputation by taking on a senior position in football.
Well, 99.9% of them haven’t even got the qualifications. They’re just sitting at home, on their computers, having a pop at him. It’s just lazy.
Damien, meanwhile, questioned why people were ridiculing Liam for passing notes to his players in the final minutes of a Champions League tie which they were losing 8-2:
I don’t get it. I saw some journalist make some craic like he was passing him a note to say, “Have you listened to the latest episode of High Performance?”
I read it and I thought, “That’s not even funny.”
We beg to differ Damien…
FOOTBALL
🚬 Well De Zerb’d
Much like Rosenior, new Spurs boss Roberto De Zerbi is up at 4am each morning. The difference is, De Zerbi is chain smoking MS Blus and hasn’t been to bed yet.
That’s according to Marseille winger Timothy Weah, who had this to say when asked how De Zerbi convinced him to join the club:
The coach called me at four in the morning on FaceTime. He was in his pyjamas and smoking. He told me, “Tim, you must come here. This will be your home.”
The Spurs hierarchy are clearly hoping Roberto can bring some of that intensity to North London, but they should be careful what they wish for.
After conceding a late equaliser in a game earlier this season, two of De Zerbi’s Marseille players were so fired up, they ended up having a dressing room brawl.
Adrien Rabiot and Jonathan Rowe were transfer listed after their ten minute “English pub fight”, which was so intense, it caused 17-year-old midfielder Darryl Bakola to faint.
FOOTBALL
🐎 To scare is to do
As De Zerbi will soon realise, it’s been a while since the likes of Richarlison and Cristian Romero struck fear into anyone.
But last weekend, they finally succeeded in spooking someone: the horses of Epping Forest.
On Sunday, 1,200 Spurs fans marched through the ancient woodland on a 26 mile charity walk, where cardboard cutouts of the players were used as mile markers
It was for a good cause, but that didn’t stop locals whinging about the frightening effigies of Archie Gray and co, which apparently caused havoc for their equine friends.
They flooded the Epping Forest Facebook group to complain, and they were in no mood for frivolity…
FOOTBALL
🎪 Pyramid rage
Speaking of terrifying cardboard cutouts, Joey Barton’s wife had a novel way of making sure her hubby could attend her Glastonbury-themed 40th birthday party.
Joey’s still behind bars charged with the assault of a bloke at a golf club last month, so she commissioned a cardboard husband for the bash instead.
Nothing says gong baths in the healing fields like getting stared down by a 2D representation of a man who once stubbed out a lit cigar in a teammate’s eye.
FOOTBALL
🎸 Today, I feel like Jimi Hendrix
It’s been clear for some time that FIFA boss Gianni Infantino has surrounded himself with a crowd of utterly spineless yes men.
Want to tell the world stage you feel disabled? Go ahead. Fancy inventing a global peace prize for Donald Trump? Why not? Want to be the face of a 2026 World Cup album that absolutely no one asked for? We’ll go and get the guitar.
According to Gianni, the record is one of FIFA’s “biggest collaborations ever,” and will feature a load of tracks from different artists “across continents and genres.”
The first single - “Lighter” by Jelly Roll and Carín León - is out now.
It has 220k dislikes, and as one commenter pointed out, it sounds like Gianni asked AI to create a main menu song for a truck driving simulator.
FOOTBALL
🎤 Girls allowed
So Ashley Cole is off the mark as Cesena boss, getting his first Serie B win against Catanzaro. To celebrate, why not relive his wildest moments on our latest pod?
He had threesomes with teammates, threw up on his mistress and shot work experience kids with air rifles.
You can watch the episode on our YouTube now.
💉 Quick hits
🤌 The last time Italy won a knockout match at the World Cup was the 2006 final. Now they’ve failed to qualify for 2026, it will be a minimum of 24 years until they can win one again.
🧛 The last match Italy played in a World Cup was the one where Luis Suarez bit Giorgio Chiellini.
🤕 Dejan Kulusevski last played for Spurs four managers ago.
🎟️ Supporters will be able to buy five Euro 2028 tickets for the same price as one parking space at this year’s World Cup.
🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.
AND FINALLY…
⚓ Monstrous Ink
Burnley left-back Quilindschy Hartman has a full back tattoo featuring Rick and Morty, Super Mario characters and an anime Harry Potter.
It’s basically the spiritual successor to Nicolás Otamendi’s back tattoo, which is an ode to the golden age of telly.
That’s it for today.
Reply