FOOTBALL

️‍ 🎡 Scream if you wanna Mo faster

Some footballers build property empires, others stock up on nitrous oxide and host heavily NDA’d house parties.

Then there’s Mo Salah, who converts his £350k-a-week salary into 2p coins and pours them into the rusty slots at creaking seaside amusements.

The Liverpool forward was spotted on the south pier by Blackpool Pleasure Beach this week, enjoying an unexpected evening off with his bodyguard.

The boardwalk was suspiciously free of screaming kids and mankini-clad stags, but Mo was flanked by a dozen-or-so onlookers, filming him eerily like something out of Black Mirror.

AMERICAN FOOTBALL

🩼 Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of… an extremely horny Miami Dolphin

Last time we caught up with Miami Dolphins star Tyreek Hill, four different women were pregnant with his offspring.

So when he invited OnlyFans model Sophie Hall for a date, she was probably hoping for more than a game of football in his backyard.

Hall - who specialises in “tall girl content and giantess vids” - ended their date with a broken leg, and is now suing Tyreek for $50,000 to pay for reconstructive surgery.

Her lawsuit claims an overzealous Tyreek knocked her down whilst she ran offensive line drills against him, resulting in the fracture.

His lawyer disagrees though, arguing she actually broke her leg by “tripping over a dog.”

It’s not clear if that’s the same lawyer that once caused Tyreek to “accidentally” file for divorce just 76 days after getting married.

When the wide receiver retracted the filing, he blamed his “fucking boneheaded lawyers” who misunderstood him complaining about his new wife.

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FOOTBALL

🍟 Lethal finisher

FC Cincinnati forward Peter Mangione didn’t exactly set the world alight for the reserves last year, so it was a bit of a shock to see him promoted to the first team this week.

Although perhaps the club’s owner - greedy capitalist piggy insurance behemoth Carl Lindner III - was looking to stay in his good books.

Peter’s cousin is none other than Luigi Mangione, the 26-year-old accused of murdering UnitedHealthcare chief executive Brian Thompson.

FOOTBALL

👨‍🍳 Carrot and dick

When Christian Ilzer was appointed manager of relegation-threatened Hoffenheim last November, the club’s hierarchy were expecting a bit of back-to-basics pragmatism.

Instead, the Austrian spent the first month of his tenure perusing local sex shops and scouring Lovehoney for the perfect motivational tool: a throbbing, 9 inch dildo.

Ahead of a recent fixture, Ilzer rocked up for his team talk in a chef's hat and apron, before pulling the “ingredients” needed for a successful game out of his bag one by one.

They included chilli peppers - because his team needed to show "more spice" - and a sex toy that represented “manly strength". He then told his baffled players:

Your move, Mikel Arteta…

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RUGBY

😋 All gone Pierre shaped

When you quaff that delicious first pint of Carling after a miserably dry January, it’s easy to get carried away.

Perhaps you overindulged on doner meat from a questionable kebaby, or woke up with an oil-stained traffic cone in the corner of your bedroom.

But most of us would draw the line at biting a chunk out of their colleague’s face. Unless you’re Biarritz rugby star Masivesi Dakuwaqa.

At a team dinner earlier this month, the Fijian Olympic champion had a few too many, and became irate when teammates tried to dissuade him from driving home.

He then smashed a car window and bit scrum-half Pierre Pages in his cheek, leaving him with a bloodied face and in need of 20 stitches.

Masivesi woke up the following morning in the drunk tank of the local police station, with no shirt and no recollection of what happened:

Unsurprisingly, Biarritz sacked him.

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AND FINALLY…

 🐍 Luka the size of that

Luka Modrić is perennially calm and composed. Until he’s made to sit next to a 10ft boa constrictor.