BOXING

️‍🏋️ A Bridge too far

After months necking raw eggs for breakfast and hauling Land Rover tyres up and down his driveway, Wayne Bridge was finally ready for his Misfits Boxing bout with young energy drink mogul KSI.

But there was one thing Wayne’s gruelling training regime hadn’t prepared him for: a gag about John Terry knobbing his missus.

As Bridge squared up KSI to promote the big fight, the YouTuber joked that it was all Wayne was known for, before leading the crowd in a churlish chant about the alleged affair:

A horrified Bridge stood there looking slightly gormless, before asking in genuine surprise: “you wanna go there, do you?”

The next day, he pulled out and complained about KSI’s “deeply personal” remarks.

To be fair to Wayne, he’s only had 15 years to think of a witty comeback.

FOOTBALL

☕ Make me a saucy vid of Carmen Miranda and you’ve got yourself a deal

Neymar’s dad famously demanded 200 coffees and an orgy in a London hotel before he would sign off his son’s €90m move from Santos to Barcelona.

So when Santos learned that Neymar was keen to escape his gilded Saudi cage, they knew they’d need something special to win over his old man and get their homegrown hero back.

After booking a river view suite at the Savoy, laying down tarpaulin and setting a steaming cafetière down beside the chaise lounge, the club had one last trick up their sleeve: a video message from the great Pele himself.

Pele’s been dead for two years, but thanks to the magic of AI, Santos were able to resurrect their club legend and have him list the reasons why Neymar should come home.

Apparently Neymar Sr was “very emotional” after watching the video.

That will happen after six double espressos and a deeply depressing sex party…

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FOOTBALL

🔫 VARmed and dangerous

In a world where referees can receive death threats for awarding controversial throw ins, is it any wonder this South African official decided to wield a 9mm Beretta while he ran the line?

How long ‘til Anthony Taylor starts packing heat?

TENNIS

💸 Don’t touch what you can’t afford bro

Nick Kyrgios was once a racquet-smashing, umpire-abusing hothead who lost the plot at a German ballboy for not “running properly”.

But these days, the 29-year-old is a dignified statesman who meditates with Djokovic and ponders ancient history with Louis Theroux.

So when an IG tennis coach released a video accusing ATP stars of taking performance enhancing drugs, surely Nick would rise above it?

In fact, he ended up squabbling with a 15-year-old about his net worth in the comments.

Needless to say, Nick had the last laugh.

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FOOTBALL

📅 I’m going to need you to improve your xForeplay stats

Between washed up pundits analysing their Expected Pass Completion, and mouthy fans bemoaning their low Gegenpressing Intensity, footballers have plenty of people scrutinising their stats.

None more so than Brazilian striker Deyverson.

This week, Deyverson’s girlfriend posted a pic of their 2024 calendar on Instagram, with a red heart marking every day they shagged.

By the looks of things, they knocked boots 73 times. That’s an average of 1.4 times a week, which seems pretty respectable for a 33-year-old.

But clearly Karina doesn’t agree, sharing the post with this slightly passive-aggressive caption: "My goal is to multiply love. Goodbye 2024."

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AND FINALLY…

 🤿 Diverson

Before the whole world became aware of his coital calendar, Deyverson was mostly known for this fantastic dive during the 2021 Copa Libertadores final.