FOOTBALL

🔫 Gunner get ya

When Sporting Lisbon’s president warned he wouldn’t be cowed by “blackmail and insults” during the Viktor Gyokeres transfer saga, we assumed the Swedish striker had refused to nibble Piri Piri chicken at the team BBQ or some bollocks.

But he may have been talking about something far more sinister. Swedish police are investigating links between Viktor’s £64m move to Arsenal and a terrifying gun attack on Sunday night.

According to local reports, a relative of Gyokores’ agent had been bragging about getting a slice of the transfer cash.

Three weeks later, two gunshots were fired at his home, and police now fear he’s the victim of an extortion plot.

HURLING

🔋 Last night I saved a DJ’s life

Over a glorious 25 year career, D.J. Carey won five All-Ireland Championships and was twice named Hurler of the Year.

But after hanging up his camán in 2006, the “Maradona of hurling” fell on hard times.

After a series of failed ventures left him in copious amounts of debt, D.J. turned to fraud, and he’s now been found guilty of faking an “incurable brain tumour” to scam his pals out of £400k.

Exhibit A for the prosecution was this photo Carey sent friends from his “sickbed”…

Before you ask, yes that is an iPhone charging cable up his nose.

TENNIS

🍑 U Ass Open

Jannik Sinner may never shake off the whiff of scandal surrounding his failed drugs test, but we’re far more concerned about something else he might have put in his body.

A debate is currently raging online over whether the Italian tennis star has had a Brazilian Butt Lift.

There’s even a Twitter page dedicated to “BBL Sinner content.”

To be fair it does look pert, but the jury’s currently out at Upshot Towers. Thoughts?

FOOTBALL

🤧 What’s the frequency, Kevin?

From David Icke hunting shape shifting lizards to Matt Le Tissier warning of an imminent communist takeover, professional footballers have long led the way in batshit free thinking.

And there’s a new conspiracy king in town: former Liverpool midfielder Kevin Stewart.

Having retired in 2023, Kev is now a “worldwide self-development coach,” with some pretty interesting theories.

In his latest video, he denies the existence of allergies:

And he lays into the common cold, which he describes as “bullshit”:

You can almost hear the SupremeCBD sponsorship deals landing in his inbox…

FOOTBALL

🤕 Flipping hell

Dynamo Barnaul striker Kirill Mogel scored in the Russian fourth tier this week, finally ending his four-month goal drought.

Then he misjudged his backflip celebration and had to go off injured…

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AND FINALLY…

⚾ Bobson Dugnutt