FOOTBALL

🐐 What a Mess

85,000 tearful fans crammed into the Estadio Monumental on Tuesday night for Lionel Messi’s Argentina farewell, as he faced off against… erm… Benin.

No disrespect to the world’s 89th-best team, who were recently spanked 5-1 by Togo, but they did seem a strange choice of opponent for such a momentous occasion.

Perhaps it had something to do with Benin charging a grand total of £0 in appearance fees for friendlies. In fact, all they ask is for the host federation to sort their travel and accommodation.

Which they miiiight have regretted: according to the West African side, the penny-pinching Argentine FA booked them onto a grim economy flight to Buenos Aires, and turbulence was so bad a member of their party passed out.

And when they arrived at their “run-down” hotel in a sketchy backwater of the city, they discovered there was no gym, the sauna was broken, and there was no hot water on their floor.

It was a similar story when Argentina faced Burkina Faso in their last friendly, except most of that squad refused to board the economy flight.

Burkina Faso’s U-23 team had to take their place at the last minute. They landed four hours before kick-off and got battered 7-0.

FOOTBALL

🤯 I also know Ronaldo is really good looking and has nice hair

Besides the pubic hairs in Benin’s breakfast buffet, Messi’s last game was a dignified occasion.

Which must have really riled Cristiano Ronaldo, who might have just ended his Portugal career with the mother of all temper tantrums. Fitting? sure. Dignified? Christ no.

After storming out of the Portugal camp last week, Ron issued a lengthy statement on Tuesday night, blasting manager Jorge Jesus.

In it, he accused Jesus of going back on his word because he didn’t read out a number of statements that Ronaldo had drafted for his press conference. Those statements included:

Incredibly, Ronaldo’s wasn’t the most ridiculous statement posted on social media that night. That accolade goes to Piers Morgan, who had this to say on Twitter:

FOOTBALL

🎵 Not in dis club

Ronaldo should have known better than to clash with Jesus. He's no stranger to shouting down superstars.

Back when he was Belenenses manager in 2007, the hot-headed Portuguese was trying to give a coaching session, when he was interrupted by none other than 50 Cent.

The rapper was doing a soundcheck ahead of a show at Belenenses’ stadium in Lisbon, and the noise was bleeding into the club’s training ground next door.

Rather than wait patiently for 20 minutes, Jesus decided to storm into the stadium and scream at 50 Cent, who shouted back, "What the fuck do you want?".

Jesus told him to “fuck off and shut up,” informed him he “can't sing,” and yelled, “This is football!"

50 Cent was baffled, but promptly cut his rehearsal short.

WALKING

🥾 To Hull and back

Welcome home, Karl Bushby. The adventurer who set off on a round-the-world walk from Chile to Hull in 1998 is finally back on British soil, 28 years later.

He crossed a warzone in Colombia, endured -68C wind chill in the Bering Strait, and spent 57 days in a Russian prison.

He also had to “dye his hair and skin” to look like a local and avoid kidnap while traversing the Darién Gap, which, had it been us, we probably would have kept to ourselves.

When he wasn’t making himself up like David Walliams in Come Fly With Me, Karl also had to swim the Caspian Sea and, just this week, the English Channel.

But despite all those hardships, Karl recently told reporters that his toughest test lies ahead of him:

MARATHON

🚲 On your bike

Sure, trekking around the world sounds cool. But there are easier ways of bagging yourself a North Face sponsorship deal.

Just ask Chinese fitness influencer Abeeeer, who told her half a million followers she’d set a PB in the Berlin Marathon on Sunday.

Unfortunately for Abeeeer, there were 55,999 other runners taking part in the race, and a fair few of them spotted her hopping on the back of a bicycle at the 38km mark.

After being called out by an Instagram page called the Official Marathon Time Integrity Unit, Abeeeer admitted to cheating and issued a grovelling apology.

💉 Quick hits

💰 The FBI is currently investigating the Argentine Football Association for possible fraud and money laundering.

⌚ In 1999, twin brothers Sergio and Arnold Motsoeneng were caught cheating at the Comrades Marathon by competing as one runner. They swapped places inside a Portaloo, and were only caught because they wore their watches on opposite wrists.

🥾 Karl Bushby has a 12-year-old granddaughter who he’s never met.

🇭🇰 David Silva has come out of retirement to sign for Hong Kong side Supreme Sha Tin.

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

💦 Wright as rain

Roy Keane and Ian Wright get caught by the Wembley sprinklers.