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💬 Quote of the day
“When Mourinho was coaching at Roma a few years ago, a kid at training had cut three holes in the back of his socks. Mourinho said, ‘Why are you doing that?’ and he said, ‘Bellingham does it. It’s meant to relieve pressure in your calf.’ And Mourinho was like: ‘Kid, you’re nine. You don’t have calves.’” - Jude Bellingham.
FOOTBALL
🍋 We're gonna need a bigger tree
Man United co-owner Jim Ratcliffe likes to tell reporters that he lives by a four-word mantra: “Don’t do dumb shit.”
Which is all well and good, but it doesn’t explain why he just spunked £20m replacing Michael Carrick with Mauricio Pochettino, when he could have done it for free this summer.
That money would have been useful, because Jim’s grocery bills are about to go through the roof.
Poch famously keeps a bowl of lemons in his office to soak up "bad energy", replacing them every time they go “bad” and “ugly”. While at Spurs in 2019, he told TalkSport:
Not all the people who arrive at my office have good energy. Some people arrive with bad energy and that goes into the lemons. It’s like a barrier, a sponge.
When Daniel Levy is not around I can leave them in the office for a month.
Considering Ratcliffe is always around - and he has the energy of a Dickensian money lender - Poch is probably going to need a lot of lemons.
FOOTBALL
⚱️ Nice little urner
Barcelona are adept at extracting every last penny from their walking piggy banks devoted fans.
Hawking patches of Nou Camp turf. Flogging seats they’ve ripped out of the stands. Listing Pau Cubarsí’s match-worn pants on Vinted. You name it, they’ve probably tried it.
But there is one market they’re yet to corner: the deceased.
Until now, that is. Supporters will soon be able to pay to have their ashes deposited in a niche at Barca’s stadium, so they can “hear goals during the afterlife”.
Niches will cost €2,490 for 10 years, €6,000 for 50 years, or €10,000 for eternity, plus an annual maintenance fee of €70 and an extra €490 if you want a memorial plaque.
If that sounds steep, fear not. There is a cheaper way for football fans to store their remains. Turns out Sports Direct sell urns for £8 a pop.
FOOTBALL
🏎️ Mad Ferr it
Whether he’s crawling through the cobbled streets of Lombardy at 20mph, or navigating West London’s speed bumps, Robert Sanchez usually has a torrid time driving his £300k Ferrari.
So after booking a track day at Germany’s legendary Nürburgring, the on-loan Como keeper was beyond excited to open his baby up and see what she could do.
Naturally, he let a member of his garage take the car out for a lap first, just to check everything was in order.
Aaaaaaaand that driver careered straight into a barrier at 70mph, “completely demolishing the Ferrari and spraying parts all over the track”.
Fortunately the driver was okay, which is probably more than can be said for Sanchez. Imagine he was fucking furious.
CRICKET
💩 Beer fear
A lot has been made about Usman Khawaja throwing his former teammates under the bus, by claiming they all knew about 2018’s ball-tampering scheme in his new book.
Australia captain Pat Cummins has had a bit of a rough week as a result, getting grilled by journalists and tailed by paps, who filmed his wife berating him in the street.
But it’s retired Aussie spinner Michael Beer we really feel sorry for. Because while everyone else has fixated on “sandpapergate”, someone noticed another revelation in Usman’s autobiography…
Michael came to my room to have dinner. There wasn’t enough room on the one table, so he sat on the edge of my bed.
Then, mid-meal I heard a sneeze, and Beery shouted, “Oh shit! I’m so sorry.” He proceeded to get up off my bed, with a big brown mark etched into my sheets.
He’d sneezed and sharted.
FOOTBALL
🫣 French revulsion
When Lens hosted Marseille last Sunday - four days after getting hammered 9-1 by Como - livid fans unfurled a banner reading, “You’re a disgrace to 120 years of history.”
Then, right on cue, they conceded this goal in the first minute…
🤓 Ketamine, caves and conmen
Elon Musk is the world’s richest man.
He’s also an absolute maniac, who guzzles ketamine, sires endless children, and has threesomes with supermodels.
Find out how the plucky son of a racist emerald tycoon became a trillionaire on our new episode.
💉 Quick hits
💸 Man United have now spent £100m hiring and firing managers since Alex Ferguson retired in 2013.
🪓 With Carrick gone, Matthijs De Ligt’s "coaching curse" is set to continue. Since making his debut for Ajax in 2016, he’s had a new coach at the start of every season.
🚗 Jude Bellingham has a £1m car collection, despite the fact he can’t drive.
🤑 Charlton striker Matty Godden has become a fully qualified financial planner.
🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.
AND FINALLY…
🧦 Next week, what colour socks does your goalkeeping coach wear?
Only took 18 journalists to write this piece about how managers celebrate…
That’s it for today.
