Much-needed smut
Has Katie Price's hubby been kidnapped?
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Good morning. There’ll be no Upshot Gold email on Monday as it’s a bank holiday.
💬 Quote of the day
“I strongly believe in numerology.” - Roberto Martínez.
FOOTBALL
🏆 And the Emi goes to…
“I’m really proud to stay - I made the right choice,” said Aston Villa goalkeeper Emi Martinez ahead of his side’s Europa League triumph this week.
He’s certainly had a good season, but we’re not totally sure it was his decision to stay at Villa Park.
According to reports last summer, Emi spent the entirety of transfer deadline day waiting by the phone for a call from Man United, which never came because they opted to sign Senne Lammens instead.
He also bid a very emotional farewell to Villa fans at the end of last season, which didn’t exactly scream, “See you in August.”
FOOTBALL
💔 Price racket
It’s been a long six weeks for Chelsea fans, as they await news on the £2bn bid for the club from Katie Price’s conman husband Lee Andrews.
And sadly, they might be waiting a little longer…
Lee was due to appear on Good Morning Britain with Katie last week to answer a few questions about their marriage and his finances. You know, to prove he wasn’t some kind of lying shyster.
Unfortunately, he never made it to the studio because he legged it with Katie’s money failed to board his flight from Dubai.
A few days later, Katie popped up with a rambling nine minute YouTube video where she revealed she hadn’t heard from her hubby in three days and that he might have been kidnapped.
Katie, if you’re reading this, do not send that man any ransom money…
F1
👠 Who’s on pole?
Sandwiched between Miami and Monaco in the F1 calendar, the Canadian Grand Prix has always struggled to pull in the seedy punters who splash their cash on Grey Goose and lap dances.
And now organisers have been dealt a fresh blow: Montreal’s strippers are going on strike over race weekend.
They’re demanding better working conditions from strip club owners, and are hitting them where it hurts - walking out during what is traditionally the busiest weekend of the year.
We look forward to seeing Eddie Irvine cross the picket line.
FOOTBALL
👍 Keep it clean
Welcome to Wrexham has always been a little schmaltzy for our taste. So fair play to Trina the Cleaner, who added some much-needed smut to the Disney series:
I’ve only ever been to one game here, but I’m never coming again. 13,000 people in the stadium, and who sits right next to me? Only my fucking ex-husband.
I have no luck whatsoever. Even if I fell into a well full of cocks, I’d come up sucking my thumb.
Get her in Deadpool 4.
FOOTBALL
🇲🇩 They think it’s Moldova
An injured defender scored a very unfortunate own goal in the Moldovan second tier this week.
💉 Quick hits
🏆 Unai Emery has won the Europa League five times with three different teams, all of which contain "villa" in their names (Villarreal, Sevilla and Aston Villa).
💸 The Champions League final will not be free to watch in the UK for first time in the modern era.
🫲 Emi Martinez broke his finger in the warm up for Aston Villa’s Europa League final victory.
🥈 Cristiano Ronaldo was the only player not to show up to receive his silver medal after losing the AFC 2 final.
🏊 Berlin is planning a bid to host the Olympics on the 100th anniversary of the 1936 Games staged by the Nazis.
🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.
AND FINALLY…
🦇 “Some men just want to watch the world burn.” Alfred 23:7
Neymar has a hardback copy of the Bible with Batman on the cover. Obviously.
In case you’re wondering, the quote he’s pulled out translates as, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”
Not sure whether the Lord he’s referring to is God or Bruce Wayne.
That’s it for today. Thanks to girthyantifacist.
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