FOOTBALL

👶 Wild rover

We’ve all had bad away days, but spare a thought for Isaac from Middlesbrough.

He saw his side lose to Blackburn on Saturday, and also found out that last season’s trip to Ewood Park wasn’t without consequences.

Anais, the Rovers fan, has promised to do a gender reveal at the return fixture in March.

ROBOT OLYMPICS

🤖 I, Mobot

A robot broke Usain Bolt’s 100m record this week, stoking fears of a dystopian future where we humans have no choice but to lick the shiny boots of our pitiless cyborg overlords.

But before you try and learn binary code and hastily apologise to ChatGPT for calling it a stupid twat, take solace in the fact that these robots still have a lot to learn.

For starters, they’re yet to master slowing down.

And they’re not great at weightlifting, either.

FOOTBALL

🏰 Infant terrible

Speaking of shiny, soulless humanoids, Gianni Infantino is in the news again this week, for reportedly trying to launch an Under-15s World Cup.

If it had come to fruition, his tournament would have featured all 211 Fifa nations, and the opening and closing ceremonies would have taken place at Disney World Florida.

Fortunately the concept was shelved earlier this summer, but Gianni did get as far as contacting private investors to finance the event, without telling the FIFA Council.

He’d also planned the first fixture. Apparently he was adamant it should be Israel v Palestine…

FOOTBALL

⛓️ Jed tense

By now, you’ve probably seen Leeds and Rangers co-owner Jed York’s mugshot after he was arrested for soliciting a prostitute in Ohio.

But in case you’re not au fait with the grubby details, here goes…

The American businessman contacted a woman through a prostitution website, said his name was Joe, and arranged to meet her at a trailer park in Columbiana County.

He was told full service sexual activity would cost $160, with unprotected sex costing $20 more. But the woman turned out to be an undercover cop, and when Jed arrived for the meeting, he was promptly arrested.

York had exactly $160 in his pocket (which we guess is a good thing) and was also charged with possessing unspecified “criminal tools.”

Not sure what they were, but it does make it sound like he was carrying a miniature pickaxe and a fishing rod to steal a prison guard’s keys.

CRICKET

🥛 Got milk a nasty viral infection

“Pakistan players will never have a problem with alcohol,” said former captain Ramiz Raja this week, on comms for the second Test at Lord’s.

"During the 1992 World Cup, the Australia dugout would have 15 jars of lager, and we would have 15 jars of milk.”

That might have been the case, but before Ramiz rides off into the sunset on his high horse, he should consider not all cricket scandals are booze-based.

There was the time…

• Mohammad Asif was detained at Dubai International Airport for possession of opium.

• Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis were arrested for smoking weed on a beach in Grenada.

• Shoaib Akhtar was ruled out of the 2009 T20 World Cup because he had genital warts.

• Inzamam-ul-Haq climbed into the stands and hit a fan over the head with his bat, because the fan called him a “fat potato”.

That last one would have been much easier to explain if he’d had a few beers.

💉 Quick hits

🧠 Jobe Bellingham can name every single Champions League and European Cup winner in order.

📺 And his grandad, William Bellingham, was pretty handy when he appeared on Mastermind in 1987.

🐁 Darts star Gerwyn Price is offering a “small reward” to anyone who has info about his missing pet ferrets.

🚲 A Vietnamese Man United fan is currently in the process of cycling from Hanoi to Old Trafford. He’s been going for 163 days, and he’s made it as far as Kyrgyzstan.

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AND FINALLY…

⚾ Catch and release

A Chicago White Sox fan celebrates catching a home run, while everything she owns falls out of her purse.