FOOTBALL

🧊 Alright stop, Cole’aborate and listen

It’s 35 degrees outside, you have a crescent moon seared into your retina, and your once-luscious hydrangea bush is now a fucking disgrace.

But there is a way to beat the heat: Cole Palmer is flogging ice cubes for £1 a pop.

If that sounds quite steep for an ice cube, fear not. These are “Premium Craft Ice Spheres” made with filtered, purified water.

He’s also selling “Pebbled Ice with Electrolytes”, and - for frozen water purists - “Traditional Ice Cubes”.

The new season can’t come soon enough…

FOOTBALL

🚫 No ifs, no Butts

Nicky Butt made 387 appearances for Man United, winning three FA Cups, six league titles and the Champions League.

But will the people of Manchester ever give him a morsel of respect? Will they heck.

This week, Nicky revealed he’d been banned from his local dump, after having a raging row with staff while trying to drop off “a bit of cardboard and some smelly bags”.

They argued his Range Rover was a commercial vehicle because he had the seats down, he disagreed, and the quarrel got so heated he’s no longer welcome back.

The incident comes just months after United tried to revoke Butt’s season ticket, forcing him to call up the club’s box office for an explanation.

Can’t picture Gary Neville or David Beckham getting the same treatment.

FOOTBALL

👔 Jay-zee

Unlike Nicky, Joshua Zirkzee knows trophies and talent matter not one jot when you’re trying to open doors in Manchester. What counts is STYLE.

And nothing says style like jetting in a TikTok fashion guru to dress you up like Coolio.

Zirkz has reportedly hired Dutch stylist Sydney Luchies, flying her over from the Netherlands to “tidy his wardrobe” and help him “look like a rapper from the 90s”.

To be fair, the United striker’s been in need of a rebrand ever since last summer, when someone took these unfortunate snaps of him in Barbados…

FOOTBALL

✈️ Artem is foul

We’re sure there was a smattering of laughter the other day, when a Cheshire pilot spelled out “I’m bored” in his flight path.

But here at Upshot Towers, we prefer our air artwork a little bluer. Like Pobeda Airlines’ tribute to former Russia captain Artem Dzyuba.

Back in 2021, Artem was blackmailed by hackers, who’d managed to obtain a video of him masturbating.

He refused to pay them a $5 million ransom, so they leaked the video, prompting Russia to drop their star striker and strip him of the captaincy.

Artem’s only support came from the good people at Pobeda Airlines, who drew a penis with their flight path (see below) out of solidarity.

It was a risky diversion, especially as the plane was carrying 102 unimpressed passengers.

But on the plus side, Dzyuba was recalled to Russia’s squad six months later. Justice!

BREAKDANCING

🦘 Dance like no one is watching

“Right before the Olympics, I panicked”, revealed breakdancer Raygun this week, in the trailer for her new documentary, Breaking Badly. “The whole world could laugh at me!”

No idea what she was worried about…

📺 WWF’s Attitude Era

In the mid ‘90s, WWF was in chaos, reeling from drug scandals and trailing rivals in the ratings. It was time to get NASTY.

Vince McMahon cranked up the sex and violence, and brought in unhinged storylines about necrophilia and incest.

Meanwhile, away from the ring, the drug-addled stars lost their minds.

From pooing in sandwiches to powerbombing 77-year-old women through tables, get the full the story on our YouTube.

💉 Quick hits

🟥 If you’re wondering what type of manager Álvaro Arbeloa will be at Fulham, he just got a red card in a pre-season friendly.

🚌 Bolivian police have impounded a São Paulo team bus, because they found 86 kilos of marijuana onboard. No players were on the bus at the time.

🖋️ Joshua Zirkzee’s stylist has previously worked with Burnley defender Quilindschy Hartman. We’re not sure if she advised him to get this back tattoo.

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AND FINALLY…

😘 Up all night to get Lucho

Uruguayan forward Lucho Rodríguez joined Brazilian side Cruzeiro this week.

He tried to kiss his girlfriend at his unveiling, but got left hanging…