FOOTBALL

🥊 Beware of Greeks tearing fits

It’s been a rough old season for our favourite portly shipping magnate / football club owner, Evangelos Marinakis.

The Strait of Hormuz is still closed, Olympiacos missed out on the Super League title, and Big E’s gone through more Nottingham Forest managers than he has massive white T-shirts.

And things got even worse this week, when he was spotted scrapping with the Greek Prime Minister’s nephew at the Euroleague Basketball final in Athens.

His assailant, Grigoris Dimitriadis, was previously the PM’s right-hand man, until he resigned in the wake of a phone spyware scandal in 2022.

Marinakis was one of the alleged victims of that scandal, and tensions have been high between the pair ever since.

Presumably Dimitiadis will be facing some yoghurt-y justice any day now.

FOOTBALL

🍸 Licence to rifle through your purse and steal your social security number

Chelsea fans, call off the search. Katie Price has located her missing husband (and supposed Todd Boehly replacement), alive and well and in a notorious Dubai prison.

For anyone familiar with Lee Andrews’ track record, his arrest for “a civil matter” is pretty good proof that he’s an unscrupulous conman.

As is the fact that, while he was still missing / behind bars, he started following a girl called “Biker Babe” on Instagram.

But after receiving a phone call from her hubby’s jail cell on Wednesday morning, Katie has another explanation for his incarceration:

Whatever the reason, we’re glad this stressful chapter in Katie’s life is finally over. Not that she let it affect her work…

FOOTBALL

🍋 Dear Sir/ Madam, your application to the USMNT has been unsuccessful

Someone get Mauricio Pochettino a fresh bowl of lemons.

The United States manager is currently under fire, because he decided to email the unlucky players that didn’t make his World Cup squad, rather than call them.

“The players that didn’t make the roster, they don’t want to hear me apologise,” he said in his defence. “If I call, it’s about myself. That is bullshit.”

To be fair, he’s got a point. And anyway, the players should count themselves lucky they heard anything from their gaffer.

In Brazil, Gremio keeper Weverton only found out he’d made his national squad when he watched the announcement live on telly. And he was so excited, he fainted.

Worse still, his friends were so busy celebrating, they didn’t even realise.

FOOTBALL

🧴 Siro to zero

Speaking of tough squad selections, it’s the Champions League final tomorrow, and none of the Arsenal or PSG players will want to miss out.

Like AC Milan’s Marco Borriello did back in 2007, when his side beat Liverpool to lift the trophy.

Six months before that final, Marco was living the dream: playing as a striker for his boyhood club and dating Italian Playboy model Belén Rodríguez, who he claimed to shag 37 times a day.

Impressive numbers, but they came back to bite Marco in December 2006, when he contracted a rather nasty STI.

Belén recommended he use a “penis cream ointment” to soothe his red raw schlong, but neglected to mention it contained the banned substance cortisone.

Marco failed a drugs test and was slapped with a six month ban, meaning he missed the final.

FOOTBALL

👃 It’s the pits

It was a week of ups and downs for this young St Mirren fan. On the one hand, his side beat Partick Thistle to secure their top-flight status for another year.

On the other, the Sky Sports cameras happened to catch him on the ONE day he forgot to apply copious amounts of Lynx Africa.

💉 Quick hits

🏆 Evann Guessand has become the first player to win two European trophies in the same season. He’s currently playing for Crystal Palace on loan from Aston Villa.

🇪🇸 For the first time ever, Spain are going to the World Cup without any Real Madrid players.

💸 Man United paid £16.7m to sack Ruben Amorim.

👋 Portland Timbers have parted ways with head coach Phil Neville.

🗿 The 70ft statue of Messi in India is set to be taken down after it was spotted “swaying in the wind.”

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AND FINALLY…

🏆 My biceps need to be bigger. And give me a halo.

So after three years and an awful lot of tears, Cristiano Ronaldo has finally won the Saudi Pro League with Al Nassr.

We’re guessing he got final say on the club’s announcement artwork, because he’s positioned right at the top and is twice the size of all the other players…