Scratching your balls
Mauro Icardi's 73-year punishment
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š¬ Quote of the day
āMe a money grabber? I can't deny that.ā - Former Man City man Tijjani Reijnders, who now plies his trade in the Saudi Pro League.
FOOTBALL
š Mauro Icardi
The year is 2099. China has just conquered Saturn, President Claude is entering an unprecedented 18th term, and Mauro Icardi is about to be given his driving licence back.
Yep, the former PSG striker was handed a rather hefty 73-year ban by the Argentine Ministry of Transport this week, who accused him of driving with an expired licence.
They also werenāt wild about his girlfriend, Eugenia Suarez, filming herself while hanging out of his passenger-side window.
Unsurprisingly, Mauro isnāt taking the ban lying down. He hit back at the ministry on Twitter, saying they were lying about his expired licence for media attention:
Focus on fixing the roads so we can have better traffic flow in our country instead of wasting your time tweeting and scratching your balls.
Strong words, but probably not going to get that sentence reduced.
FOOTBALL
šÆļø Back-cup goalkeeper
Trabzonspor keeper Andre Onana underwent some pretty serious cupping therapy after a game this week.
FOOTBALL
š Todd man out
Farewell then, Todd Boehly. After four very entertaining years, the bumbling American businessman has finally sold his stake in Chelsea.
To honour his chaotic reign, we thought weād relive some of his finest momentsā¦
ā¢ In 2022, Todd sent a suggested starting lineup to then-manager Thomas Tuchel, which contained 12 players in a 4-4-3 formation.
ā¢ He also proposed the creation of a North v South Premier League All Stars game.
ā¢ At half time of a Premier League game, he knocked on the dressing room door and tried to bring in a group of guests and their children to meet the players.
ā¢ In January 2023, he spent Ā£326m on players, more than every team in Italy, Germany, Spain and France combined.
ā¢ That included Ā£90m for Mikhailo Mudryk, who was handed an eight-year contract.
ā¢ They signed so many players that window, some had to change in the corridor and sit on the floor.
ā¢ And when asked how the club could afford it, Todd pointed to the TV money Chelsea earn from the Champions League every year. They finished 12th in the Prem, and didnāt qualify.
The sooner Lee Andrews comes in, the better.
FOOTBALL
š Costa living crisis
When the manager brings his son into the dressing room, most players see it as a chance to curry favour by ruffling the kidās hair and handing him some signed shin pads.
But Diego Costa's never adhered to the norms of polite society. And, to be fair, neither has his old AtlƩtico Madrid gaffer Diego Simeone.
So youāve got to feel for Simeoneās son, Giuliano, who - according to defender Diego Godin - used to get tormented by Costa as a child.
Giuliano would come into the locker room and Diego Costa would throw him in the jacuzzi and put him in the cold bath. A disaster.
He'd leave crying, 'Dad, Dad, they beat me up.' And Cholo would say, 'But you like it.'
FOOTBALL
šØāšØ I sort of fused Justin Timberlake with Che Guevara shit
If we were going to ban anything from Clairefontaine, it would probably be public masturbation or sex tape blackmail.
But new France manager Zinedine Zidane has taken a different tack, outlawing the training ground fashion shows weāve grown to know and love.
That means no more neon hoodies from Ibrahima KonatƩ.
No more skirts or Buzz Lightyear boots from Jules KoundƩ.
And no more Canadian tuxedos from Bradley Barcola.
š Quick hits
š Zidane has been known to make the odd fashion faux pas himself. Here he is in some very questionable turn-up jeans.
šø Man United are now selling pieces of Old Trafford turf for Ā£125 each.
š Germany manager Jurgen Klopp has banned his players from getting haircuts at team hotels.
šļø Unai Emery has more league wins at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium than Spursā last three managers combined.
š Gravy-hating darts star Ricky Evans has vowed to drink a pint of Bisto if he qualifies for the World Championship.
š Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.
AND FINALLYā¦
š¤ Die, Robot
Thatās it for today. Thanks to Jim.
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