Good morning. Today’s email is brought to you by our World Cup sponsors, InjuryLawyers4U. If you’ve had an accident that wasn’t your fault, you need them.

FOOTBALL

🫦 Come on, come on, come on, come on, now Tuch me, babe

These are the good times. The brief window between pessimism and defeat, when Fat Les is on the airwaves, your dad’s sharing AI memes of Harry Kane piloting a Spitfire, and randy mums everywhere are thirsting over the England manager.

Yep, Thomas Tuchel has been a hot topic of debate on Mumsnet this week, with a fair few middle-aged women apparently finding him irresistible:

The same thing happened to Gareth Southgate back in 2018, when his England side made it through to the semi-finals in Russia:

Sadly no threads about Big Sam, but he does have one admirer…

FOOTBALL

🔎 Barca-loner

Tickets for Saturday night’s semi-final are currently going for £6m on FIFA’s official resale site. They‘re like gold dust. Unless you’re 65-year-old England fan Michael Hewitt.

Michael was due to fly out to Boston last month, to watch England v Ghana before staying on in the US for the rest of the tournament. But he never made it.

His family spoke to him during his brief layover in Barcelona, but after that there was radio silence.

Terrified for his safety, they contacted the authorities and put out an online plea for any information about his whereabouts. Interpol started a search.

Then, ten days later, the British consulate found Michael supping an Estrella in a Barcelona pub, blissfully unaware that he was missing.

It turns out he’d lost his phone during his layover, along with his flight information and tickets. So he decided to stay in Spain and watch the rest of the World Cup from there.

🃏 But Doc, will I be able to do card tricks?

Speaking of being stuck abroad, poor old Jordan Henderson was left in a Mexico City hospital this week, while his teammates jetted off to Kansas City.

Sadly, he’s probably only got himself to blame, but if you’ve had an accident that wasn’t your fault, you need Injury Lawyers4U. They’re no win, no fee.

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FOOTBALL

💸 Here today, Gron tomorrow

“FC Groningen falls victim to sophisticated transfer fraud”, reports Dutch newspaper RTV Noord. Although you could argue they’re not really the victims.

A criminal gang has been using forged documents to convince players that the club wants to sign them, before sending those players a payment link to cover “administrative hurdles” like flights and medicals.

We have enormous sympathy for the young stars who’ve been duped, as we know just what it’s like to have your dreams of professional football dashed.

Back when he was a wide-eyed 11-year-old with long, flowing locks, the Upshot’s own Zachary Sweeney-Lynch was approached by scouts after playing in a youth game.

They called him and his dad over, and asked if he’d be interested in having trials…... for Crystal Palace Women.

FOOTBALL

🎥 I don’t remember dressing up as a plumber

A few grand for a fake medical is chump change compared to the $900m bill sent to Aston Villa owner Wesley Edens by his former lover.

Wesley had a one-night stand with an “entrepreneur” named Sophia Luo back in 2022, after she slid into his DMs.

Following their night of passion at her New York apartment, Wes didn’t reply to any of Luo’s messages, until she attempted to blackmail him for half of his £1.8 billion fortune.

She allegedly told Edens that she’d set up hidden cameras before their tryst, and that she’d release a video if he didn’t cough up.

We’re guessing she was bluffing, because when the FBI raided her home, they found “several porn films with Mr Edens’ face grafted onto the body of another man.”

It’s a shame for Wes that the videos never saw the light of day. Sounds like they’d have been quite flattering.

TENNIS

🤯 Ida wanna talk about it

Arthur Fery might be the surprise package at this Wimbledon, but we’re more excited about an up-and-coming hothead in the junior ranks.

15-year-old Ida Wobker was kicked out of the tournament this week, for throwing her racket in frustration and accidentally hitting someone in the crowd.

💉 Quick hits

🎤 The World Cup final half-time show is set to feature Madonna, Shakira, Justin Bieber, BTS, Burna Boy, characters from Sesame Street and The Muppets, a children’s choir from Staten Island, and Venezuelan conductor Gustavo Dudamel.

🟥 Brazil have won the World Cup Fair Play Award a record four times, despite leading the pack when it comes to red cards. They even won it in 1994, when defender Leonardo got a four-game ban for fracturing Tab Ramos’ skull.

💘 Emile Heskey has left his wife, and is now dating Jimmy White’s ex-girlfriend.

⚽ Erling Haaland has scored 27 goals in his last 14 competitive international matches for Norway. He reached 60 international goals in 69 fewer games than Lionel Messi.

🫦 If Tuchel was managing England 20 years ago, there’d be no debate about his sex symbol status. Turns out he used to be a stone-cold fox…

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AND FINALLY…

🇪🇸 No kit wanker

Dani Carvajal didn’t make Spain’s World Cup squad. Looks like he’s taking it well…