🎱 Sportsperson of the year

You’ve opened your presents, polished off the miserable turkey detritus and your aunt has finally gone back to Tarrington St Clement.

So it’s time for a treat: our annual award, celebrating the best alternative sportsperson of 2025.

We put a shortlist of four to our Upshot Gold members to decide who would take the crown from last year’s winner: non-league hat-trick hero, Jordan Evans.

And the results are in…

4) The United Strand (14%)

There are few people who’ve injected as much gallows humour into Man United’s perpetual downfall than Frank Ilett AKA The United Strand - the bushy haired blogger who’s refusing to cut his hair until the Red Devils win five games in a row.

We first noticed Frank when he began to bear a striking resemblance to The Yorkshire Ripper.

Perhaps he should’ve stuck to the serial killer look - his now-luscious barnet only earns him fourth place in our vote.

3) Segundo Castillo (19%)

Speaking of well-groomed stars, in third place is Barcelona Sporting Club gaffer Segundo Castillo.

The rakish Ecuadorian has worn some truly exceptional tuxedos on the touchline this season, including a Sean Connery-esque white dinner jacket, and a full leopard print number.

He also has an incredible touch, and his name literally translates as “Second Castle”.

2) The streaker in the wheelchair (24%)

The Upshot has long campaigned for the return of real streaking, which was once practiced by drunk blokes with too much pubic hair, but has now been colonised by fully-clothed attention seekers.

So hats off to this fan in New Zealand, who stripped entirely naked and invaded the pitch in his wheelchair.

And this wasn’t some random Sunday league fixture - it was a third-round tie in New Zealand’s national cup, including reigning champions Auckland City.

But not even his escapades could thwart this year’s champion…

1) Juan Bernabe (42%)

It’s been some journey for our champion: Lazio’s former eagle handler, Juan Bernabe.

He first caught our attention in January, when he was sacked for sharing pictures of his erect knob online, after undergoing “penile prosthesis” surgery.

At the time he explained:

Instead of appreciating their beloved mascot and his new equipment, the Lazio top brass threw him to the wolves.

But instead of going quietly, he fought long and hard: on the training ground, on social media and now, on OnlyFans.