FOOTBALL

🃏 How about we use that birthday wish to get daddy a royal flush?

Neymar’s family aren’t the most traditional bunch. The contract for his move to Barca included an orgy for his dad, and his mum had a chaotic fling with his 22-year-old friend.

So it’s unlikely anyone batted an eyelid when the Brazilian striker peeled away from singing his daughter Happy Birthday to place a quick bet in a game of online poker.

Learn how to make AI work for you.

How do you stay up-to-date with the insane pace of AI? Join The Rundown – the world’s fastest-growing AI newsletter with over 500,000+ readers learning how to become more productive using AI every morning.

1. Our team spends all day researching and talking with industry experts.

2. We send you updates on the latest AI news and how to apply it in 5 minutes a day.

3. You learn how to become 2x more productive by leveraging AI.

Sign up with one click.

FOOTBALL

🙅 Lor not coming in

For most fans, the words “Loris Karius” conjure an image of the Liverpool keeper flapping at Gareth Bale’s long range shot like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra.

But since his 2018 Champions League final nightmare, the German has been quietly rebuilding his life. Now warming the bench at Newcastle, he’s signed a modelling contract and got engaged to glamorous TV presenter Diletta Leotta.

So when the pair rocked up at Berlin’s legendary techno n’ sex club Berghain, Loris was probably expecting to be whisked to a VIP booth where he could sip Dom Perignon with Salt Bae and David Guetta.

Unfortunately, they do things a little differently at Berghain. After queueing for two hours, Loris and Diletta were told by the club’s infamous bouncer, Sven, that they were among the 60% of punters who are denied entry every night.

Although perhaps that was a blessing. On top of world class techno, the club boasts a resident “piss goblin” who politely asks punters to wee in his mouth. Apparently he’s a solicitor named Rene.

AMERICAN FOOTBALL

🧃 Juice-y details

Farewell, then, OJ Simpson. A damn fine running back and almost certainly a murderer, The Juice was also responsible for the most brazen memoir of all time.

Describing how OJ would have “hypothetically” killed his girlfriend, If I Did It was published with this incredible cover…

His complaints about lockdown also led to this excellent tweet…

FOOTBALL

🦵 Keepy ups with the Bartashians

From picking on teenage girls to branding his enemies nonces, Joey Barton is really living by the law of the playground at the moment.

And in case you thought that was just a media persona, here’s Bristol City’s 23-year-old former Head of Recruitment describing his first encounter with Barton, who was manager at the time:

If you’re enjoying The Upshot, then why not try The Knowledge? It’s a short, sharp and seriously entertaining daily newsletter that brings you the most interesting comment and wittiest insights from news sources all around the world into a five-minute read.

The best bit? It's totally free. Sign up instantly when you click here.

FOOTBALL

😼 Purrvert

The role of a mascot is to provide a bit of pre-match cheer, wave to the kids and pose for photos with ageing club legends.

It is absolutely not an excuse to chat-up female fans and compliment the goalkeeper in the women’s side on her “cracking norks”.

But those are the charges levelled at Jude the Cat, the mascot QPR have sacked for “flirting with female fans” and making inappropriate comments to female players.

Speaking to the tabloids, “a source close to the cat” denied the allegations:

As for the lewd comment, maybe he just said “meow”…

GOLF

🍔 Recommended Daly Allowance

After John Rahm chose a delicious Basque menu for the Masters’ traditional Champions’ Dinner, his fellow pros were unanimous on which former winner provided the worst meal: Bubba Watson.

The 2013 winner took inspiration from godawful fast food chain Chuck E Cheese, serving caesar salad, rubbery chicken breasts and vanilla ice cream.

One star who wouldn’t complain is John Daly. The two time Major winner wolfed down the following every day in his prime:

• 3-4 trips to McDonald’s (“I used to be able to eat two Big Macs, two or three cheeseburgers, chocolate shake, regular Coke back then in a sitting pretty easily.”)

• 4-6 packs of M&Ms (“Peanut M&Ms… loved ’em.”)

• “Multiple” packs of chocolate muffins

• Chocolate ice cream

• 12-20 Diet Cokes

• Over 40 cigarettes

• No water (“I don’t drink water… I hate water. I cannot stand to drink water.”)

Sadly John is persona non grata at the Masters, and he’ll be signing boobs and flogging merchandise in the parking lot of Hooters Augusta instead.

But you can still revel in his insane life story on our latest podcast.

He fought off knife-wielding lovers, tossed $55k off a bridge and plotted nuking Moscow with Donald Trump. Meet the Wild Thing…

💉 Quick hits

👖 Golfer Will Zalatoris is 6ft 2in with a 28 inch waist.

💃 OJ Simpson’s dad was a famous drag queen in the San Francisco Bay Area.

👜 Former Man United striker David Bellion now works as a fashion stylist for footballers.

⌚ Pep Guardiola’s watch cost £1.1 million.

🤑 Russ Cook aka Hardest Geezer is still more than £100k from his fundraising target of £1 million. Donate here.

AND FINALLY

🥸 Luke alike

That's it for today. Thanks to George, Ross and Roisin.