Sylvain Distin: the Merseyside milkman

Being a footballer is a dream for most. But not Sylvain Distin.

The French centre-back led a dubious double life while at Everton, involving a three-year affair and a completely fake career… as a milkman.

Back in 2013, things were going pretty well for the defender, who was a stalwart in an Everton team regularly qualifying for Europe.

But off the pitch, Sylvain was three years into a long-term affair with glamorous blonde flight attendant Katie – unbeknownst to his long-term partner of course.

But his mistress also had no idea that she was a bit on the side – or about Distin’s illustrious career as a Premier League footballer.

When he’d initially wooed her, he’d given her a fake name and regaled her with tales of his glamorous job delivering pints of milk to the lonely housewives of Bootle.

Theirs was a love for the ages. “We had sex in cars and up against a tree in the woods,” remembered Katie. On her birthday, he serenaded her with a rendition of “Happy birthday big tits” in French.

And his way with words didn’t stop there. Katie’s friend told the press, “Distin always calls Katie a sexy beauty and says he can’t take his eyes off her butt”.

Distin showered his lover with expensive gifts, leading Katie to question how a milkman could afford such lavish presents.

At this point, Distin had a brainwave and decided to reveal his real job as a *checks notes* professional tennis player. He even had some swanky action shots to send her over BlackBerry Messenger in full tennis whites.

Perhaps all the lies were getting difficult to keep track of. Because when Distin had to cancel a date with Katie when travelling away with Everton, he told her that he was competing in a professional cycling race.

Finally, after three years, it looked like the jig was up for Sylvain when Katie spotted him on Match of the Day.

Surely he couldn’t explain his way out of this one – especially as his BBM profile picture was a snap of him in an Everton shirt.

But the wily defender had one more trick up his sleeve. He told Katie he was the identical twin of Sylvain Distin.

It didn’t take much more than a cursory Google for Katie to discover that Sylvain Distin had no twin brother, that he was in a long-term relationship, and he had a child.

After going from milkman, to tennis player, to professional cyclist, to Sylvain Distin’s twin brother, and finally to Sylvain Distin, the defender’s game was up.

And Man City fans wouldn’t let Distin forget about his milky shenanigans when he visited his old club, serenading him with a chant about his dairy delivery days:

“He’s up at half-four, he’s up at half-four, oh Sylvain Distin, he’s up at half-four.”

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