FOOTBALL

📞 Gianni was a friend of mine

If Gianni Infantino’s evil plans had come to fruition, he’d have spent this week in a Manhattan penthouse, swapping Rolexes with JP Morgan execs and getting his belly rubbed by Joshua Kushner.

But his plot to sell off a stake in the World Cup collapsed, and Gianni’s week has looked decidedly different.

The FIFA president has been holed up like a besieged general at his Rabat HQ, hosting crisis meetings, feverishly denying he’ll quit, and trying in vain to get hold of his best mate Donald Trump.

According to the New York Post, the White House has been rejecting Gianni’s calls, leaving the FIFA boss scrambling to contact ex-pros who might come out to bat for him.

If Luis Figo’s reaction is anything to go by, those phone calls haven’t gone well…

This week, the Portuguese star (and FIFA ambassador) raged “he must go”, before branding Infantino’s plan “the lowest, most deceitful and cravenly self-interested behaviour I have ever witnessed”.

But apart from that, he loved it!

FOOTBALL

🕺 Brazil nut

Yep, he’s doing it again.

After Santos’ bad tempered cup win over Remo, Neymar couldn’t resist a bit of gloating. First, he blew a kiss into the stands and told a fan, “that was for your wife”.

Then, on his way back to the dressing room, he broke into a merry jig while chanting “eliminated” at a group of Remo directors and staff.

RUGBY

💒 Crossing the Lynne

When you’re invited to a celebrity wedding, you’re expecting a Vera Wang gown, a gaudy 10ft wedding cake, and possibly a quick set from DJ Fat Tony.

You’re probably not expecting to fork out $100 for the happy couples’ wedding license.

But that’s what Danny Cipriani’s asking of guests ahead of his upcoming wedding to American actress AnnaLynne McCord.

The pair have set up a crowd funder, where invitees - or fans - can donate money for everything from floral bouquets to wedding venue construction.

It’s not gone down too well online, with one unnamed guest calling the move “tacky and distasteful”.

Seems a bit harsh to us, as this is far from the most distasteful thing AnnaLynne has done.

That honour goes to the poem she released on the day Russia invaded Ukraine in 2022, titled “Dear President Vladimir Putin, I’m so sorry I was not your mother”.

PADEL

🥸 Dodgy padel

It takes a lot to be the worst bloke at a Dubai padel tournament.

So hats off to Ian Dixon for managing just that at the Asia Pacific Padel Tour, outdoing the usual rabble of vapid lifestyle influencers and real estate shysters.

Ian is a lieutenant in the fearsome Kinahan cartel, and is wanted across the world for drug smuggling, money laundering and arms dealing.

He’s been on the run since 2016, and no one had seen him in almost a decade, until investigators spotted him on a promotional poster for the tournament.

They soon discovered he’d entered using the not-very-imaginative pseudonym Ian Thomas, and it now looks like his comfortable existence in the UAE is coming to an end.

AUSSIE RULES

💌 Forgive my father for he has sinned

From AI videos of gun-toting orangutans to ransom requests from Elvis Presley’s kidnappers, social media can be a confusing place for senior citizens.

So you can’t blame the father of AFL star Scott McCreery for sliiiiightly misunderstanding the privacy settings when he tried to slide into the DMs of OnlyFans star Annie Knight.

Unfortunately for Scott, he made his proposition in the comments of her Instagram, for all to see…

📺 Today I feel… inexplicably powerful

As Gianni Infantino clings on for dear life, you might be wondering: how did this charmless blazer ever rise above the level of a faceless functionary in a drab Glattbrugg legal office?

Fortunately, we spilled the full story of the FIFA President’s rise to power in a recent YouTube video.

From FBI raids to kick-ups with Putin, this is the story of the most hated man in football…

💉 Quick hits

❌ According to a recent poll, 98% of BBC Sport readers think Gianni Infantino should resign.

😏 Argentina have named July 15th, the date of their semi-final win over England, “National Football Teams Day”.

🏟️ At a meeting of top FIFA blazers this week, Infantino reportedly promised Morocco they could host the next World Cup final if they keep supporting his presidency.

👴 Sir Alex Ferguson was Man United gaffer for longer (9,691 days) than the combined reigns of all current Premier League managers (9,241).

📈 England’s win rate under Keir Starmer - 76% - was higher than any other Prime Minister in history.

🍆 St Johnstone’s latest investor, Professor Mike Wyllie, is credited as one of the inventors of Viagra.

👽 Breaking news from Comic Con Manchester: Carrie Henn, who played Newt in Aliens, is a Liverpool fan.

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AND FINALLY…

🦜 Threat on the wing

A Brazil Under-15 cup tie was suspended this week, when a blue macaw flew on to the pitch and went for a Flamengo defender.

Here’s the attack in slow motion…