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FOOTBALL

⚖️ Today I feel litigious

You don’t win a Pulitzer for filth. Which is a shame, because the grubby hacks at Upshot Towers revel in stories about lewd sex acts outside Greggs and falcon handlers with prosthetic knobs.

But last week, we shared an Instagram video about FIFA that almost constituted real news.

Then we received a phone call from someone working for FIFA, threatening legal action over the video.

They said it was “defamatory” to share our honest opinion that football’s governing body was “fucking bent”.

And they denied there was anything fishy about the way Saudi Arabia were awarded the 2034 World Cup. Or the $1bn bid tabled by Saudi-backed streamer DAZN to broadcast the Club World Cup.

Needless to say, The Shot would absolutely relish the chance to put Gianni Infantino in the dock and grill him about his close friendships with Mohammed bin Salman, Vladimir Putin and - worst of all - Salt Bae.

But it’s not easy taking on Goliath, so if you want to support a fledgling newsletter in the fight against the big guys, you can upgrade to Upshot Gold to get ad-free newsletters three times a week.

FOOTBALL

🚨 Head-Butt

It was the mystery we just couldn’t crack.

Back in January, an unnamed guest spoiled Nicky Butt’s 50th birthday party at Soho Farmhouse.

SOMEONE staggered outside the vapid rural members’ club, pissed on a courtyard wall and then headbutted the security guard that accosted him.

A party guest told the tabloids:

But who was the party-pooping headbutter who spoiled Nicky’s big day?

Well the culprit has finally been handed a police caution, meaning he can be named.

It’s……… Nicky Butt.

🌮 If only Erling had Mindful Chef

Even in the age of cryotherapy chambers, club chefs and ketchup bans, your average footballer eats like a teenager at home.

Erling Haaland guzzles doner kebab pizzas. Cole Palmer lives off jam sandwiches and chippy chips. And when Steven Gerrard was asked his favourite cheese, he replied: "melted".

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FOOTBALL

🥸 Then Pep said he couldn’t have me at Barca, because I was too good and it wasn’t fair on the other players

“Had to tell Big Fergie no”, Joey Barton bragged this week, as he relived the time he nearly joined Man United in 2011:

It’s a great boast, but slightly at odds with the version of events he gave in his autobiography.

Back then, he wrote that his agent, Willie McKay, was driving him to Loftus Road to sign a deal with Queens Park Rangers, when they got a call from a “Sir Alex”.

Willie passed Joey the phone, and a gruff Glaswegian voice pleaded with him to reconsider:

Joey ordered Willie to turn the car around, before the agent burst out laughing and revealed it was his mate doing a faultless Ferguson impression.

They continued the journey to West London and Barton signed a four-year deal with QPR.

FOOTBALL

💰 Beware the bribes of Marc

To millions of Catholics, Pope Francis was a shining beacon of morality in a cruel and increasingly divided world.

Especially at his boyhood club San Lorenzo, where a mural of his benevolent, smiling face adorned the wall of the stadium, encouraging fans and club officials to be honest and kind.

But Old Frankie’s snuffed it now, and all bets are off.

Within hours of the pope’s death, San Lorenzo President Marcelo Moretti was caught red-handed, trousering a $25,000 bribe from the mother of a youth player.

The kickback was an incentive to sign her son to a professional contract, and the whole grubby exchange was captured on a hidden camera.

At least stick the cash in a brown envelope…

FOOTBALL

🤮 Idah feel too well

The week before a semi-final is a time to shiver in an ice bath, practice your panenka and tune into Jake Humphrey’s podcast for some final motivation.

But Adam Idah plays for Celtic, meaning most of his games are a foregone conclusion. And his Scottish Cup tie against the meek men of St Johnstone was no exception.

So Adam decided to go out on a mid-week bender instead, which culminated in the striker leaning out the door of a taxi and boaking his guts up on the streets of Glasgow.

No bother though. He still scored in a 5-0 win.

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AND FINALLY…

🥁 Gaganpress

Is that Jurgen Klopp telling Green Day's Tré Cool to get off his phone and watch Lady Gaga at Coachella?

Or just a lookalike?