FOOTBALL

💩 Poolitzer Prize

“If anything happens to me, I have a protocol that’s automatically released, that I wouldn’t wish on anyone”, said sports journalist Romain Molina this week, as he warned his enemies not to kill him.

Essentially, he announced he has a file of salacious stories about major sports figures, which will be sent out far and wide if he suddenly dies in mysterious circumstances.

With paranoia like that, you’re probably wondering what dangerous characters Romain has been upsetting with his muscular reporting.

Well, here’s a taste of his important journalism…

CRICKET

🥩 What are you thinking Giles….xx

If you’ve ever seen the dick pic Ian Botham accidentally posted on Twitter, you’ll know he’s no stranger to serving up unpalatable slabs of meat.

So it’s quite fitting that Beefy has his own restaurant, Beefy’s by Lord Botham, located within the Utilita Bowl cricket ground in Southampton.

Unfortunately for Botham, Giles Coren visited last week and absolutely panned the place. He wrote:

And this is how Giles described his ribeye steak:

FOOTBALL

🚗 Flying winger

When the old bill stop you for racing your BMW round a fish market, the normal response is to crawl home at 20mph and buckle in for a miserable afternoon on a speed awareness course.

Or, if your Australian World Cup star Cristian Volpato, you bang a load of gear up your nose and see if you can beat your previous time.

The former Roma winger was 12mph over the limit while burning over Sydney’s Aznac Bridge en route to a fish market last week.

Two hours later, he was stopped again going the other way, 30mph over the limit.

He then tested positive for cocaine, which probably explains things.

FOOTBALL

🕺 Holidays from Haal

You are looking at Erling Haaland having a grand old time dancing for 100 phone zombies in St Tropez.

If the door staff at that godawful beach club fancy spicing things up, may we recommend inviting Mr Fabio Capello.

We received a letter from a Shotter called Sophie the other day, who had recently been on an all-inclusive holiday in Crete, where her family spotted a man resembling the former England manager.

“He was acting a bit bizarre,” she writes. “He mineswept a glass of wine off someone else’s table and necked it on the way to the buffet. And he also necked a glass of wine when his wife’s back was turned.”

While it’s hard to picture the famously grumpy 80-year-old stealing people’s drinks, we desperately want this to be true.

We have a photo of the man alleged to be Fabio…

What do you reckon?

CRICKET

🤌 Clicky Ponting

It’s the scandal that’s rocked village cricket. Fielder Brian Devine has been clicking his fingers to con ageing umpires into giving batsmen out caught behind.

His side sit top of their division, and their wicketkeeper leads the league with 31 catches. Last week he took eight in one match - more than the Test record of seven.

But after video evidence spread online this week, it emerged Devine has been doing it for at least five years, conning batsmen as young as 15 out of their wickets.

Now Brian, dubbed Clicky Ponting, has been banned indefinitely and attacked by Piers Morgan.

Worst of all, his club have lost their sponsorship from local curry house Spices…

💉 Quick hits

👑 Enzo Fernandez claims Chelsea are threatening to sell him because his celebration against England “insulted King Charles and the monarchy”.

👴 Neymar has officially retired from international football.

🤯 Ugandan boxer Aziz Abdul, grandson of Idi Amin, was disqualified from the super-heavyweight quarter-finals at the Commonwealth Games for headbutting his opponent.

🍽️ Vini Jr doesn’t eat when he goes to restaurants because he’s on such a strict diet.

🫰 Saltburn average 3 keeper catches per game with Brian “Clicky Ponting” Devine in the side, and 0.7 without him.

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

🦒 Tall order

Meet 18-year-old Australian basketball player Jongkuch Mach, who stands at 7ft 7in tall.

He’s taller than any active NBA player, and top US colleges are currently chasing his signature.