Viking blow
Wayne Rooney's hotel sesh
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đź’¬ Quote of the day
“First and foremost, I’d like to clarify that I’ve never volleyed a cat.” - Charlton Athletic manager Nathan Jones.
FOOTBALL
đź‘‹ Rift of the Gab
Like most people, we hadn't heard of JJ Gabriel until the 15-year-old striker asked Man United to rip up his youth contract on Tuesday.
But it's now clear we’re dealing with a generational talent. Not JJ - the jury’s still out on him - but his dad Joe O'Cearuill, who’s taking pushy football parenting to levels not seen since Veronique Rabiot.
JJ was born Joseph Junior Andreou O’Cearuill, but Joe had him legally change his name to make him more “brandable” as a player.
And now, in a sliiiiiiightly petty move, Joe’s deleted all posts and mentions of Man United from his Twitter, and his son has done the same on Instagram.
If you’re wondering where JJ is likely to end up, he’s started following Real Madrid, their academy, and 16 Los Blancos players…
FOOTBALL
🦅 Excellent beak
To the Romans, the eagle was a sacred symbol of divine power, military honour, and the supreme authority of the state.
But in the age of AI porn and “brandable 15-year-olds”, this noble creature has been roped into all manner of nefarious acts.
Last year, Lazio eagle handler Juan Bernabe was fired by the club after posting photos of his erect knob online, after undergoing a “penile prosthesis surgery”.
And now Joao Paulo Santos - who handled Benfica’s eagle Vitoria at a game last season - has been arrested by Portuguese cops investigating a cocaine trafficking ring.
Joao, who also works as a falconer at Lisbon Airport, is accused of diverting cocaine-filled suitcases from South America, so they can bypass baggage security.
No word on Vitoria’s involvement, although she looks guilty…
FOOTBALL
🍷 You snus, you lose
It's one of English football’s great mysteries: why did The Three Lions’ golden generation never win anything?
Was it inter-club rivalries? Tabloid intrusion? Or the fact their star striker spent training camps swigging Casillero del Diablo and smoking Lambert & Butlers?
According to Andy Carroll’s new autobiography - which claims Wayne Rooney used to hold impromptu parties in his hotel room - it’s the latter.
He’d call me at two in the Âafternoon and say, “Andy, my room, now”. “Nah”, I’d say, “not now Wazza, it’s too early”. But he’d always bully me into submission.
I’d find him lying on his bed watching TV, smoking (his lips would sometimes be bulging with snus as well) and swigging a bottle of beer.
He’d be surrounded by cartons of fags, crates of lager and Âbottles of wine (which he got the hotel manager to deliver to his room), and soon his room would be full of players.
Rooney, unsurprisingly, has called this story a “complete fabrication”, and added in a statement, “Andy knows that he and I never really socialised.”
They certainly won’t be socialising in the future.
HYROX
đź’© Poo dares wins
Until this week, the most embarrassing thing about the fitness competition HYROX was that its name is short for “hybrid rock stars”.
But that all changed on Sunday, when Australian athlete Joanna Wietrzyk was allowed to finish and win a HYROX event in Beijing despite shitting herself mid-race.
Other paying competitors had to follow her and use the same communal equipment, and many are now demanding a refund from organisers.
Have to question the ones that aren’t…
MARATHON
đź’¦ WetLife
If you must shit yourself while competing in a gruelling endurance event, you’re better off doing it at the Racefaster Half Marathon in New Jersey.
The 13-mile run went ahead last Sunday, despite flash floods meaning competitors had to wade most of the way through waist-high murky water.
đź’‰ Quick hits
❄️ On top of releasing his autobiography, Andy Carroll is about to launch an air conditioning company.
🇵🇰 Titus Bramble is now the assistant manager of Pakistan.
đź“ť 19-year-old F1 star Arvid Lindblad has only just passed his driving theory test.
🎮 Cole Palmer has been banned from livestreaming platform Twitch.
🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.
AND FINALLY…
❄️ Viking blow
Police in Ecuador just seized 370 kilos of cocaine with Erling Haaland’s face on it.
Apparently drug gangs use celeb faces to identify different batches, and police have previously found stashes with pictures of Maradona, Messi, Ronaldo and… Frank Lampard.
That’s it for today.
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