FOOTBALL

🧦 The wrong trousers

It’s one of the world’s great mysteries: how a monochromatic lawyer with the charisma of tepid gruel became the overlord of the beautiful game.

But it gets worse - Gianni Infantino is now being tipped for the job of UN secretary-general by his best pal Donald Trump.

To be fair, it wouldn’t be the first time a FIFA president was handed the reins to one of the world’s most powerful supranational bodies.

Back in 1971, Sepp Blatter was elected President of the World Society of Friends of Suspenders - an international union of pervs who lobbied women to wear stockings and suspenders, rather than new-fangled tights.

While Blatter failed to curtail the rise of pantyhose, he did bring his keen interest in women’s clothing to FIFA.

When asked about attracting more male viewers to women’s football, he suggested they wear “tighter shorts... like they do in volleyball”.

FOOTBALL

✈️ Come cry with me

It’s been five days now, but allow us one more trip to schadenfreude corner.

After Sunday’s final, a Spanish pilot pranked a plane full of Argentinians by telling them their side had won.

The whole aircraft erupted in celebration before he broke the bad news, triggering a wail of agony.

It’s fair to say it didn’t go down well back in Buenos Aires, where one newspaper branded it a “tasteless joke”, and another raged:

FOOTBALL

🍸 Miami Vice

From Heads of State to transgender Insta-hotties, Kylian Mbappe is never short of invites for lunch.

So as he nailed down a plan for the World Cup final on Sunday, who did Kylian choose to watch with? Er, mens’ rights activist Walter Weekes, who you might remember from the Louis Theroux Manosphere doc.

Walter is the podcast sidekick of Myron Gaines, that weirdo who freaked out when Louis Theroux asked his girlfriend if she agrees with his “one way monogamy” policy.

Weekes idolises Andrew Tate, praises Hitler and his Miami yacht looks like a soulless marketing suite at the Ramada Inn Woking.

But hey, they had watermelon cocktails.

🧢 Today I feel… Shotter

There were many fine photos at the 2026 World Cup: Messi crying. Martinez crying. Jordan Henderson lying prostrate on the Azteca turf.

But huuuge shout out to Shotters Dom and Dan who got UN secretary-general Gianni Infantino to pose next to an Upshot hat.

Considering Infantino’s ghouls threatened to sue us last year for calling FIFA “bent”, it’s a ringing endorsement.

We’re actually flogging the caps if you’d like one - there are only 50 left and the sale ends this weekend.

Get yours here.

And by buying one, you’ll help us fight off any future FIFA threats.

GOLF

📞 Trump card

Bryson DeChambeau has always had the air of frat boy telling you to “lawyer up because my dad just made partner at Dunning, Sponget & Leach.”

But it turns out he’s even more tragic than that. You probably heard the big hitting Californian got a two shot penalty at The Open last weekend for flattening some grass.

Bryson then had a 30 minute tantrum, barking at the club’s chief executive.

According to officials at the Merseyside course, Bryson “threatened to call Donald Trump if the matter was not resolved in his favour”.

It worked for Balogun…

FOOTBALL

🏠 The Hig Lebowski

You probably know Rene Higuita as the bushy-haired scorpion kick keeper, who was nicknamed El Loco after charming fans with his flamboyant style.

But back in his native Colombia, Rene has a slightly less cuddly reputation.

Last week a court ordered the seizure of Higuita’s Medellin home, after a 12-year investigation concluded it was bought using money from Pablo Escobar’s cartel.

El Loco denies it, although he did have a surprisingly cosy relationship with the cocaine kingpin.

Back in 1993, Rene was jailed after helping to broker the release of a rival drug baron’s daughter who’d been kidnapped by Escobar.

Higuita personally delivered a briefcase containing $300k to Escobar’s henchman, and was paid $64k by her dad when the girl was released.

Rene always denied he was pals with Pablo, although he did also visit the druglord in jail in 1992 to “thank him for turning himself in”…

💉 Quick hits

⚽ Rene Higuita scored 41 goals during his career, mostly free kicks.

👶 Brazilian wonderkid Endrick is naming his son Kendrick.

🏊‍♀️ Madeleine McCann’s brother and sister will swim for Scotland at the Commonwealth Games.

🤑 A year ago, Gianni Infantino leased an office for FIFA on the 17th floor of Trump Tower. It’s still empty.

📉 After nearly winning the title last season, Hearts have lost their manager, captain and best player to Rangers.

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

🤦‍♂️ Shitty in pink

Messi’s World Cup dream might be over, but at least he can go back to the world class football at Inter Mia-