FOOTBALL

🚨 The Old Bell

As a hostage negotiator for the West Midlands Police, Jude Bellingham’s dad Mark was known for his empathy, patience and ability to calmly de-escalate a situation.

But those qualities deserted him this week, as his youngest son Jobe suffered the ignominy of being subbed off at half time in his Bundesliga debut.

Dortmund were 1-0 up away at St Pauli when Jobe was hooked, but they ended up drawing 3-3 after two late goals from the hosts.

Which led a furious Mark to wait in the tunnel after the final whistle, ready to give BVB Sporting Director Sebastian Kehl the third degree.

After a “passionate discussion” where he aired his frustrations with the substitution and Dortmund’s general performance, Mark then tried to hunt down gaffer Niko Kovac to give him a piece of his rozzer mind as well.

Dortmund have now banned family members from entering the team dressing room…

FOOTBALL

👀 Shakhtar? I hardly know her

Shakhtar manager Arda Turan was once a fringe Barcelona midfielder with a fiery temper and a penchant for wild house parties.

So it was a shock to see him acting like an awkward teenager during a recent interview with Ukrainian presenter Daria Bondar, avoiding all eye contact and shuffling nervously.

Then we learned Daria is married to Arda’s star defender, and everything made a lot more sense.

Back in 2018, Turan got himself into a bit of trouble in an Istanbul nightclub, when Turkish popstar Berkay accused him of hitting on his wife.

Arda broke the singer’s nose, and then - suddenly overcome with guilt - followed him to the hospital, presented him with a loaded pistol, and barked:

Berkay refused, so Arda fired the gun into the floor, before surrendering to police.

He was handed a two-and-a-half year suspended sentence for "creating panic with a firearm".

FOOTBALL

🔎 Bent as a nine Bob note

With his knobbly physique and poorly constructed combover, Bobby Charlton never struck us as a suave “Raffles, The Gentleman Thief” type.

But according to new witness testimony, the England legend once “flirted” with a Colombian shop assistant to distract her during a jewellery heist.

The shop assistant in question - Clara Padilla - has always maintained she saw England captain Bobby Moore - accompanied by Charlton and another player - steal a £600 emerald bracelet on the eve of the 1970 World Cup.

And on her deathbed earlier this year, she told a podcast:

Moore was charged with theft, and only released three days before the World Cup after the intervention of Prime Minister Harold Wilson.

The bracelet was never found and Moore always maintained his innocence, but some feel the incident is the reason he never received a knighthood.

Which seems harsh considering Robert Mugabe and Jimmy Saville both got one…

FOOTBALL

💥 League o’ Fireland

As hooligan fights go, this scrap between Derry City and Bohemians FC fans was right up there.

Where does one purchase a firework rocket launcher?

ESPORTS

🎮 Bridge over the river Kwii

When 10-year-old Mùchén Xiang was dropped off at esports gaming camp, he was looking forward to three weeks of League of Legends, KFC Zinger meals and no parents begging him to change his underwear.

But as the lock bolted shut behind him and a tray of tepid gruel slid under his door, he realised this was no Fortnite sleepover.

The 22-day camp is a new initiative by an esports club in Hebei, designed to dissuade Xbox-addicted children from pursuing gaming as a career.

They do this by turning video games into a punishing task, forcing kids to play from 9 a.m. to midnight each day, with only brief breaks for meals and light exercise.

Around 4,000 children have been sent on the course by concerned parents, who’ve each paid £4,000 to scare their little'uns straight.

That might sound steep, but the camp is very effective: multiple children have broken down in tears and asked to be sent home on their first day…

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AND FINALLY…

♟️ Fiddling while Amorim burns

Ruben Amorim plays with his tactics board as United crash out to Grimsby in the second round of the Carabao Cup.