"I'm going to buy an island and be alone with a bunch of women," proclaimed Richarlison a few years ago, when asked about his plans for retirement. "Just like that picture of Ronaldinho."

True to his word, the Spurs striker paid £1.5m for a lovely looking island off the coast of Rio back in 2020:

Sadly though, before he could line up the insta-hotties and fire out an order of rainbow thongs, it seems his place in the sun has been pilfered from under his nose.

Richy popped up on Instagram last weekend, claiming Brazilian presidential candidate Flávio Bolsonaro had stolen the island from him, after he refused to sell up.

On the plus side, Rich did score for the Spurs U21s against Cheltenham last week…

Considering Lazio are second in Serie A and level on points with Inter, you’d think their ultras would be goose stepping round the Stadio Olimpico with delight right now.

Instead, the club’s 70,000-seater stadium is currently drawing crowds of just 5,000.

That’s because supporters are boycotting home games to protest owner Claudio Lotito, who they say has “denied them their right to dream,” by signing mediocre players.

Lotito, meanwhile, has a different theory: the fan unrest is actually the work of sneaky, greedy pub owners…

And did you know the Campari Group controls the weather?

Sure, Mauro Icardi is currently without a club and unable to drive until 2099. But at least his divorce from Wanda Nara is finally settled, and the years of animosity and petty swipes are now over.

Only joking. Wanda just uploaded one of his match-worn Argentina jerseys to her online shop. She listed it as “hardly used” (he only managed eight international caps) and the price was 20,000 Argentine Pesos.

Which is roughly £9.79…

Vinnie Jones was on the Louis Theroux podcast this week, discussing everything from his journey to sobriety to squeezing Gazza’s nuts.

But perhaps the highlight was him recounting his first meeting with actor, martial artist and all-round weirdo Steven Seagal, on the set of their 2005 film Submerged.

When Vinnie pointed out the guy in question was Jason Statham, and that he probably wouldn’t fly to Bulgaria at short notice to star in their low-budget submarine thriller, Steven moved on to the next man.

It was Brad Pitt, and Vinnie had to shut Seagal down once again.

Eventually, to appease his co-star, Vinnie called up his mate Mouse - who played Gorgeous George in Snatch - and got him to fly out for a small part in the film.

Apparently it was “fucking awful”.

Luton manager Jack Wilshere shared a very feisty handshake with Barnsley boss Daniel Stendel on Tuesday night.

Something quite Columbo about the way he spins on the spot and jabs his finger in the air.

🍷 Vinnie Jones says he did 280 hours of community service when his drink of choice was red wine. He eventually decided to switch to white wine, but ended up getting 400 hours.

📉 When Man United last won the Champions League in 2008, Como were in Serie D.

🦅 Animal rights group PETA has urged Crystal Palace to retire their live bald eagle mascot with immediate effect. Wait til they hear about Lazio and Benfica…

🗓️ Dejan Kulusevski had gone 526 days without playing before he came off the bench against Coventry on Monday. In that time, Brennan Johnson won two European trophies and Harry Kane scored 87 goals. And Spurs won three home games.

🖋️ Kyle Walker is considering removing his “four-in-a-row” tattoo if Man City are stripped of their titles.

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Former England rugby star Phil Vickery is now a bodybuilder.