💬 Quote of the day

“Ladies and gentlemen... if you are opening a bottle of champagne, don't do it as the players are about to serve.” - Australian umpire John Blom at Wimbledon.

👑 Top of the Pods

It’s been a slow news week for Britain’s broadcasting corporations, so you’ll no doubt have heard our new podcast went straight to number 1 in the Apple sports chart.

And we’re currently number 8 in the UK overall, one place ahead of a pod called “Who shat on the floor at my wedding?”

In episode one, we trawl the tabloid archives to uncover the story of Jermaine Pennant, a winger who put the naughty in noughties.

After bursting onto the scene with a hungover hat-trick on his Arsenal debut, Jermaine embarked on a prolific seshing and law-breaking spree that started with threesomes with Ashley Cole and ended on the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Subscribe for a new episode every Wednesday, covering the biggest characters and controversies in sport: from Shane Warne’s shagging to Todd Boehly’s Chelsea disaster.

FOOTBALL

💸 Scott free

When Scottish strugglers Elgin City trousered a record sponsorship deal for next season, the fourth tier club’s directors were over the moon.

Sure, they’d be massaging the ego of smug local businessman Stephen Scott, but it would mean the club could splash out on a much-needed new striker and finally fix that leaking bog in the away end.

But amid the popping bottles of Moët, one board member couldn’t resist a sly dig at the oil tycoon, and fired off an email to his colleagues proclaiming that Scott could “stick his money up his arse".

Unfortunately, he accidentally cc’ed Scott into the email, and the thin-skinned philanthropist instantly withdrew his offer, protesting “whilst I am no snowflake – there are limits.”

FOOTBALL

👑 In for the Kyl

Ever since PSG granted Kylian Mbappe unprecedented power over “footballing matters”, the French forward has been swanning around Paris like a spoilt medieval princeling, humiliating his teammates and overruling club directors.

So it was fitting that the proud nation of Cameroon rolled out the red carpet for Kylian as he visited his father’s homeland this week, bestowing him with the kind of treatment they usually reserve for despotic heads of state and Chinese lithium magnates.

The French striker was transported around the country in a bulletproof SUV, accompanied by a platoon of bodyguards jogging alongside, and an armoured car that wouldn’t look out of place in a North Korean military parade.

No wonder the power has gone to his head…

TENNIS

🤩 Racket man

FOOTBALL

🥊 Unhappy ending

With Brazilian giants Corinthians marooned in 15th place in the league, the club’s deranged fans are taking out their anger on maligned midfielder Luan.

The other day, they took to the streets of Sao Paulo to stage a terrifying mock burial for him.

So with all that stress, you can’t blame poor Lu for wanting to blow off some steam.

When a couple of beers and a hot stone massage didn’t do the trick, he did what any self-respecting Brazilian footballer would: booked out a seedy motel suite and ferried in four local prostitutes for an orgy with his mates.

Unfortunately for Luan, a group of unhinged Corinthians ultras caught wind of the gang bang and tracked down the motel, before barging into the room and beating him up.

It seems harsh… he’s barely played all season.

EXCLUSIVE

🎤 When the sun goes down

After a self-indulgent Glastonbury set, the public agreed on one thing: the Arctic Monkeys have turned into right wankers.

But a few cancelled gigs and Elvis impersonations are nothing compared to the band’s horrifying backstage antics at Arsenal’s Emirates stadium last month…

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FOOTBALL

💘 ive gota gawjuz girl cald sarah

As Jordan Henderson closes in on a move to Saudi, a reminder of his teenage Bebo page, including the timeless line “ive gota gawjuz girl cald sarah shes amazin n i luv her”.

FOOTBALL

🖌️ If you get the bathroom done by Christmas, he can start against Chelsea

Neil Warnock always had an eye for a good deal. So when his trusty painter and decorator mentioned his son dreamed of playing for Sheffield United, the wily gaffer spotted a bargain.

According to ex-Sheffield United keeper Paddy Kenny, Warnock once brought a 14-year-old boy and his dad into the dressing room before a pre-season game against Bodmin, and announced the kid would be playing the final 20 minutes.

The players were a little confused but went along with the boss’s order, and Warnock sent the lad on for his cameo appearance.

It later transpired that Warnock had struck a deal with his dad: if the kid played 20 mins, he wouldn’t have to pay him for the decorating work.

💉 Quick hits

🎤 Former Spurs and Liverpool striker Robbie Keane is cousins with Morrissey.

👴 The world’s oldest professional footballer, Kazuyoshi Miura, has signed a one year extension with Portuguese second tier side Oliveirense. He’s 57.

⏱️ After Chelsea’s summer exodus, 22-year-old Ethan Ampadu is the club’s longest serving first team player. He’s only played 12 games for them.

🗞️ Another gloriously grubby headline from the thirsty hacks at the Daily Star:

📺 Sport on TV

Today
Wimbledon tennis
• Men’s semi finals (12.30pm, BBC)

Tour de France
• Stage 13 (12.30pm, Eurosport)

Saturday
Wimbledon tennis
• Women’s final (1.30pm, BBC)

Tour de France
• Stage 14 (12pm, ITV)

Sunday
Wimbledon tennis
• Men’s final (1.30pm, BBC)

Tour de France
• Stage 15 (12pm, ITV)

Women’s Ashes cricket
• England v Australia (11am, Sky Sports)

What we cover in the TV Guide

AND FINALLY

🛢️ Trust me officer, I love oil

Spare a thought for this poor bloke, whose mates dressed him up in a Just Stop Oil t-shirt for his stag do at Silverstone.

That's it for today. Thanks to Ross, Ben and Rory for sending in stories.